Rebuilding Myself

First off, thank you so much for your thoughts and feedback.  It is always good to hear from you.  It was great to be reminded that experiencing joy can be encouraging as well as painful …

That said, I just had to share this of my world today –

• The “plan”:after waking up very sore from Yoga last night, I decided I need to get out and excerise a little more.  The plan?  To go on a walk about work.  Then at work, my stomach was feeling unsettled and between that, running into the filing cabinet twice, and discovering I have developed a bit of a waddle I decided not only would I go for a walk tonight, but I would make a big yummy, healthy stir fry for dinner.
• My Reality:here I sit … firmly entrenched on my couch, pretty sure I won’t be moving farther than to the bathroom.  And my dinner?  Let’s just say it came in a paper bag decorated with the Golden Arches.  Umm, yeah.

Needless to say, I had a chuckle and figured you all might get one out of it as well.  How often the best laid plans fall by the wayside, hey?

A few confessional thoughts for the day –

Monkey at 23 Weeks

Due to daily heartburn, me and my tums are essentially best friends.  I don’t go anywhere without them.  That said, I think I have officially turned the corner on the “healthy” use of tums.  Yesterday, no heartburn in sight, I  wandered by the cupboard and thought about popping in a few – just cause they taste good.  ????  Apparently I have eaten far too many.  When chalky, fake-fruit tasting pucks sounds good, there is something wrong.

I still think about Avery and Sophie pretty much every day … wondering who they might have been, what our lives would have been like.  That said, I always envision a pretty “perfected” view of them – in my daydreams there are no snotty noses, no temper tantrums, and generally, the most perfect little girls you could imagine.  Sometimes I think this might lead to issues down the road when I discover that little children don’t generally work like daydreams do 🙂

I am in a definitely dry spell with blogging.  I am finding myself in a good space right now – and am loving being at this stage of pregnancy, something I never thought I would be able to say.  That said, I feel guilty blogging that here … it feels wrong when so many of my blogging friends are in that horribly painful place of longing for pregnancy and babies.  I don’t know quite how to reconcile this happiness and my desire to share it with my desire to respect those in pain.  It was easy when pain was mostly what I experienced, but on this journey to Rebuild Myself, slowly I am finding more joy, and less of the pain.  Hard to know how to work with that in this space.

Linked to the last point, I love my pregnant belly.  If I hadn’t experience pregnancy loss, it would probably be pasted all over any online networking place I frequent.  Then again, if it wasn’t for our losses, I might be more concerned with possible stretchmarks and weight gain – instead, I find myself thrilled with the proof of growth.  That said, I now try to limit how many I share, again I don’t want to be the cause of more pain.  I have tentatively decided on every 4 weeks … I know I enjoy seeing updated bellies, even when I wasn’t pregnant myself.  Would love feedback on this one though.  Is it to painful?  Would you rather I keep them to myself?  I honestly would like to know …

Thanks for all your encouragement – we decided to go for it and buy the furniture. It’s going to look great, and not only that, but it allowed me to purchase a fantastic glider as well for the room.  It still feels very wrong to make purchases this early, but I am going to choose to think positive thoughts about Monkey.

Not much else going on – my brain seems to be on a bit of a “thought” vacation.  So, because my blog tends to lack in pictures, I thought I would share a couple shots of our critters, who sadly rarely get featured anywhere.

Evil Kitty Thoughts

Our cat, embarrassingly named Kitty (lesson learned: if you only refer to a small cat as a kitty in a high pitched voice, she WILL come to believe it is her name).  She is a fairly docile cat, but seeing the picture, you get the idea of what goes on in that little brain – watch out birds, mice, moles … really, any small critter.

Tikka

Our dog, Tikka, doing what she loves.  Chasing anything you throw into the water – this time down to the river it was rocks.  It doesn’t matter that she will never retrieve one, it is all about the jumping in and swimming against the current.  We won’t complain – it is one thing that actually rids our rambunctious lab of a bit of her energy.  Love this shot of her mid-shake.

Post Disclaimer: I know this all not to be true, it just feels true, hence I write it.  🙂

So, I am feeling as though we are tempting fate these days.  Last week, I purchased a baby quilt off of Etsy.  I had no plans to purchase anything baby this early on, but it was adorable … and gender neutral … and on Etsy, so you never know how long it will be there for.  That in itself was enough to make me catch my breath.  How assuming of me – to think that there is going to be a baby in 19ish weeks.

Then came THE offer, the one that we can’t refuse.  Background info – with the girls we hadn’t yet purchased any major items.  We had picked them all out, but hadn’t yet bit the bullet and brought stuff home.  For this, I am very grateful … there were no cribs to dismantle, change tables to hide away, or “gear” to store.  Back to the offer.

Friends of our offered us all their baby furniture this weekend … for a ridiculously good deal.  It’s amazing furniture – top of the line, meant to be used for many children, they only ended up with one.  Absolutely perfect for us.  The only catch?  They would like to know asap as they will probably be moving in the near future.

I know it isn’t something to get wound up about.  The deal is great, the furniture is wonderful, and my head is very aware that it will not make a difference to Monkey if the furniture is in the house at 22 weeks or after 30.

And yet, it is so hard to do.  Maybe I can sneak it in, and “fate” will never have to know.

Today, I feel torn.  Hopeful for the new life that grows inside of me.  Still mourning the two who will never be.  I don’t think that I will ever take part in Mother’s Day the way many do – I know all of you, I know the pain.  The two precious souls who made me a Mother will never be here to celebrate the day with me.  No matter how many children we have, the day will always be a reminder of what is not, of what could have been, of all the women who wish this day simply did not exist.

I wanted to write something profound, something to heal the pain that the day brings.  Instead, today I just link to others who I feel have written it so well.   Carly captures my wish for the day so perfectly – as always, she says it so well.  And to Bluebird, who writes so well of the place in which babylost mamas find themselves – a mother, without the tangible world of being an everyday mom.

Today, I am thinking of each of you.

Slimy gel, the quiet chuckles of the tech, Monkey firmly and consistency beating away on my belly.  The constant self-reminder to breathe.

• Heartbeat – strong and steady at 146
• Limbs – all accounted for
• Growth – still a couple days ahead
• Monkey – absolutely perfect looking, big ears and all!

Our ultrasound was wonderful.  Everything looked great and the tech took her time explaining each part of Monkey to us – we saw the four chambered heart, the kidneys, the spine, Monkey’s little lips as s/he practiced breathing.

The only minor downfall?  You guessed it, Monkey is still a s/he for the time being.  They don’t like to tell here, and Monkey decided modesty was the name of the game – foiling my newly research knowledge on identifying sex by ultrasound.

Oh well!  We aren’t complaining, honest.  We shall just get to practice out the virtue of patience!

A few chuckles for you all at my expense, all due to the fine condition known as “pregnancy brain” –

1. Last week I got a nasty call from our gas company declaring a bill overdue.  Puzzled by this (as I always pay our bills) I looked into it.  Turns out I did indeed pay the bill … but to our electric company instead.  Needless to say, our electricity bill will probably be covered through the fall.
2. I spent 10 minutes looking for my wedding ring the other day, quite frantically sure that I had lost it forever.  A short time later it showed up … on my finger … exactly where it has been for the past 6 years.
3. Yesterday I realized it had been days since I watered our one green plant in the house.  Doing what I always do, I grabbed my water bottle and poured out the water on the plant … forgetting that TWO minutes prior I had poured pink lemonade mix into my water.  Hmm, hoping that plant like water with taste as much as I do, probably unlikely.

I used to discount pregnancy brain, say there was no way it actually existed.  Apparently, I am now a poster child for the condition 🙂

This morning I spent a good chunk of time just staring at the baby ticker on my family blog (and no, I still don’t have one here, never good figure out how to make wordpress accept one).  Halfway.  20 weeks.

I clearly remember sitting at work with Avery and Sophie at 19 weeks, rubbing my belly, composing the “halfway” blog post in my head instead of crunching some sort of numbers on my excel sheet.  A week later, I was a shell of my former self, wrapped around my empty body, crying at what should have been.

Today, the word “Halfway” whispers itself in my ear – and it is less bitter, more sweet.  Today Monkey busily kicks and punches at my belly, as if to reassure me that he/she is firmly nestled in for the long haul.  I can only imagine what his/her movements will be like in a few weeks, already I find myself checking to see if I can feel them on the outside of my stomach, surprisingly, there have been a few.

And today, Monkey’s movements and the 20 week ticker are the best birthday present I could ask for.  Happy birthday to me 🙂  Thanks Monkey.

Today I realized something … something that shocked me.  It somehow snuck up on me without me knowing.  I have become THAT woman. 

Running errands this morning, I was hurrying down our main street.  It was warm, and I was happily in capris and a t-shirt (among the first days like this of the year here!).  As I turned to go into the drug store, a woman a few steps back caught my eye.  The first thing I noticed was the look of pain in her eyes.  It took a moment to realize that it was because of me.  The second thing I noticed was the tattoo of two precious little footprints on her arm.

I wanted to walk over and give her a big hug, tell her that I “got” it, and apologize for any pain me and my belly had caused.  But I didn’t.  (a) She probably would have been frightened and called the police or (b) my belly would have blocked out any words I tried to say.  But I wished none-the-less.  I wished I could do something to lessen the pain.

As I walked away I found myself amazed.  To me, I am still a woman healing slowly from immeasurable pain, one who will always maintain the scars of babyloss.  From my perspective this pregnancy is still fraught with anxiety and fear – along with all the wonder, joy, and excitement.  But to everyone else, I have become her … THAT woman.  A healthy looking, belly toting, mom-to-be. 

And although it brought me joy to think that Monkey just might be the fulfillment of what everyone expects to happen, it also made me want to make a sign and hang it around my neck.  One that says, “I’m sorry” … because I understand.  I know what a pregnant belly can do, the pain it can trigger, the tears it brings to the surface. 

But I know that all I can do is enjoy this pregnancy, treasure each moment, and not take for granted what we have been gifted with.