There are many things that I have been surprised to find I am able to do – I have bought a bunch of baby goods online, painted and started to set up the nursery (due to the furniture coming early – thanks to our friends!), research maternity and paternity leaves online.
But where a lot of interaction with others is required, baby related activities continue to stall. I still feel like an impostor. When I post belly pictures, I feel like someone will call me on the fact that it is really a ball under my shirt, not a baby. I buy baby items online, not in the baby stores. And I need to call to book space in a prenatal class … but haven’t … and can’t seem to. It’s been on the to-do list for several weeks, but I can’t make the call. Somehow it feels like someone will point out that I don’t belong if I do actually make the call.
I find it a little odd that having lost babies creates this feeling in me – and yet, I know that other women pregnant after loss have it to. But I wonder – why do I still feel odd answering when people ask when I am due, why can I still not imagine holding my own baby when holding someone elses’ newborn.
And I wonder what it will take for this feeling to change …