Archive for January, 2010

Hockey Day in Canada

As a good Canadian, I love hockey … absolutely and completely, it is my favorite sport by far.¬† Today is Hockey Day in Canada – a day when all 6 Canadian teams play one another, and hockey is on all day long.

In honor of Hockey Day in Canada, Kai is showing off his brilliance … he already knows exactly who to cheer for ūüôā

Makes a mommy proud!


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Sentimental … Not So Much

By nature I am not a sentimental person … I never have been.¬† That said, after losing Avery and Sophie, I clung to everything I had that reminded me of them.¬† It made me wonder how sentimental I would be with the next baby … would I be ridiculously over the top?

I think I have my answer ūüôā¬† Our sweet Monkey, although exceptionally cute has experienced the most interesting hair loss pattern I have ever seen.¬† First the sides disappeared … then the back “rub” spot … then the top started to go.¬† Unfortunately, the remaining hair was at least 3 inches long, and in weird patchy spots (seen best from the back, the front still looked nice).

The other day, I had enough.¬† I managed to convince DH to bring out the clippers and Kai got his first haircut.¬† Yes, that’s right … at 4 months old.¬† I dutifully cut off a chunk to save, just in case¬†I wish I had later.¬† But honestly, not a sad thought in the head over the whole thing.¬†

While DH wasn’t originally convinced, he agreed with me that it looks way better now that it is clipped … a little naked on the top, but it will grow in nicely.¬†

I just had to have a little chuckle over the whole thing as I put the hair chunk away later that night.¬† Apparently having the little squirmy munchkin around is enough for me.¬† The hair?¬† I don’t need it.

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Can’t Help Myself

Seriously, just want to eat this boy up. 100% biased … but I say 100% cute ūüôā

I am loving the stage he is at right now. So interactive, learning tons, and generally just enjoying life. If only we could convince him that nights are for sleeping, it would be perfect!

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Often in babyloss circles, we experience hurt, disappointment and anger when people are insensitive about the children we have lost.

Today, I had the opposite happen … a wonderfully sensitive woman literally brought me to tears with her thoughtfulness.¬†

DH comes from a large family, and a family tree is in the process of being created.¬† His aunt is responsible for creating the tree from DH’s grandfather down.¬† Today, she sent out an email asking us to review it to make sure it was correct.

I opened it up and was floored when I reached our little “branch”.¬† Under DH and I there were three little lines.¬† One for Kai, and one each for Avery and Sophie.¬† I was amazed and am so grateful for her thoughfulness.¬† It is so rare that the girls are acknowledged in such a real way.

I just had to share …

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Because Sometimes …

… It just demands a picture.

You see, the swaddle seen above can no longer contain our little Houdini.  And well, it would be fine, EXCEPT that his little flailing claws do this.

And since I can’t hang a little sign on his neck indicating wounds are self-inflicted, well, welcome to naptime hotness Kaisers – hello cow cap.

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The Dance

I entered the auditorium, eager and ready.  My hair was just so, my dress beautiful, my make-up perfect.  Anticipation filled me as I walked through the door.

I spotted him across the floor.¬† He was breathtakingly handsome.¬† His suit fit perfectly, his smile was amazing, and although I was too far away to be sure … I just knew his smell would be heavenly.¬† We hadn’t been introduced, but I knew his name, everyone did.¬† He was Happiness – and I was about to dance with him.

As I took my first step onto the floor, a hand grabbed my arm.  Alarmed I turned, only to find a complete stranger staring down at me.  Not attractive in the least, this man wore soiled clothes and was frightening in his overbearing ways.  He forced my hand in his, hissed out his name, and before I could speak, Loss and I were dancing Рan awful, macabre version of what I had originally planned.

Loss swung me round and round.¬† At each turn, I frantically looked for Happiness, hoping he would save me from this horrible mistake.¬† I saw him in the distance, always with a¬†multitude of new dance partners … I tried to call out, but found my voice was missing.

Over time, the dance became less frightening.¬† Our moves were more coordinated, and I found that there was a certain familiarity to Loss that I couldn’t discount.¬† I still longed to dance with Happiness, but he seemed unaware of my presence, and Loss, well, at least he was comfortable.

I watched as other girls entered the dance, eyes only for Happiness.¬† Some managed to catch his eye, but others were caught up by others like Loss – Grief and Death among them.¬† Although I knew they didn’t want to dance with their partners any more than me, I found I was able to teach them a few steps, show them how to make the most of this new and unfamiliar dance.¬† Most of all, we were comforted to know that not every girl got Happiness, and were able to share in that together.

Resigned to my dance partner Loss, I was stunned when I felt a touch on my shoulder.  I turned, nearly giddy with excitement to see Happiness offer me his hand.  Without a look back, I left Loss alone on the floor.

To my surprise, I found dancing with Happiness was not exactly as I expected.¬† He was wonderful no doubt, but the moves were new, the unfamiliar unsettling.¬† Despite the awkwardness, I nestled into Happiness’s shoulder, drank¬†in his smell, and let him lead me in this new dance.¬† He was everything I had anticipated, and so much more.¬† He overwhelmed me with his mere presence.

Before long, I felt as though Happiness and I had been dancing forever, Loss soundly put in his place.  But as we rounded a bend in the dance floor, a familiar face loomed at me from the dark.  With no time to resist, Loss claimed me for another dance. 

Ever the gentleman, Happiness stepped to the¬†side, unwilling to claim what Loss thought was rightfully his.¬† He whispered in¬†my ear that he wasn’t leaving forever, only gone for a short time.¬† I clung to this as Loss and I again took to the floor.

As Loss led me across the room, I kept my eyes peeled for Happiness, longing for his return.¬† Although familiar, Loss wasn’t any less appealing than when we first met.¬† And I got the sinking feeling that he had been following Happiness and I around, waiting for his chance to reappear.

Thankfully, within minutes, Happiness reappeared.¬† I gratefully let go of Loss, and while his grip was strong, Happiness’s was stronger.¬† Again wrapped in his arms, I let all thoughts of Loss disappear.¬† Happiness whispered, “you’re mine” in my ear.¬†

As I snuggled in, I was dismayed to see a familiar figure lurking behind my hero.  A deep sigh escaped me as I realized that while Happiness had claimed me as  his own, Loss would never disappear.  And as a gentleman, Happiness would let him have a dance Рoccasionally yes, but a dance none the less.

And I then knew, us three – myself, Loss and Happiness – we would forever be locked in our strange, three-way dance.

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New Years Thoughts

Like so many other days at this time of year, New Year’s was a day of reflection for me.¬† And for the first time in three years, I found it hard to say goodbye to the past year.

2007 – I happily let go.¬† The loss of Avery and Sophie was raw and intense … and I wanted to do everything I could to separate from the pain.

2008 – the whole year read like a bad book.¬† Loss, depression, a 6 month time period with my husband away, a major move, new jobs, and yet another loss.¬† I couldn’t have been happier to see the 8 turn to a 9.

But this year.¬† Well, it brought me him –

And moments worth photographing like these –

This year truly was the year of Kai (as weird as that sounds).¬† We found out we were pregnant the first week of January … and from then on, the year has been about him.¬† Through all the up and downs of his pregnancy, birth, and first three months, it has been about the little Monkey.

So while I look forward to 2010, I am a bit sad to see 2009 go.  And sadness for the end of the year Рwell, it is a bit of a novel concept in these parts.

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