Archive for May, 2010

8 Months

Kai,
It’s hard to believe that 8 whole months have passed us by since you made your way into this world.  It shocked me the other night when I picked you up to find that you had bad breath!  Where did my milky breath newborn go?  Unbelievable how far you have come. 
 
Although I need to get better at taking the pictures to prove it, your motor skills have been improving at an incredible rate.  This month you discovered that there is a world beyond your little blanket in the living room … and you just want to get to it all!  It has made for challenging moments, that’s for sure, but you are determined to figure it all out.  Along with your fantastic rolling, you have now figured out a type of crawl.  I say type because to call it crawling seems a bit generous 🙂  It looks like what I imagine an inchworm would look like if it had longer limbs.  But, that said, it gets you from point A to point B … and always with a smile. 
 
Although you can now move from place to place, you still would prefer to do things the “Big Boy” way – by standing.  Your favorite activity by far is holding onto a hand while ever so slowly reaching for toys with the other.  You haven’t entirely mastered this “skill” yet, but you certainly give it your best go each and every day.
 
Determination, that is one thing you have plenty of!  It will get you far I am sure – as it already has as you have learned so many skills.  You currently are determined to do many things, among them walking, eating only big people food, and yes, still determined to not sleep through the night.  Your naps have finally improved, but I think it will be a long while yet before you give up our nighttime visits.  I try to enjoy them, remembering it won’t be long before you don’t snuggle in the night anymore.
 
After a slowdown in your eating after your first ear infection, you are now eating up a storm – working hard to use those adorable two little bottom teeth you now have.  You don’t really like cereal or purees, so we are loosely adopting Baby Led Weaning for you and your solids.  Pretty much we give you regular food – just cooked and cut into manageable pieces (or strips … because you love biting off pieces yourself)!  You love it, you look so proud when you realize we are eating the same thing.  Your favorite are apples and sweet potatoes, although any fruit will certainly do.  And Avocados – depending on the day you either love them or hate them.  Hilarious to watch as you can be quite dramatic when you refuse them.
 
You are super social, and love to play.  Sometimes people miss this as you still check out a situation thoroughly before warming up … but once you are, watch out.  You smile and make cheesy faces for anyone willing to smile back and you love “running away” from everyone who comes close.  You love being tickled, playing peek-a-boo, clapping (particularly at the handsome baby who lives in the mirror), and having songs sung to you.  Your dad laughs at the songs we sing … and how quickly a silly song can change your tears into giggles.
 
You are growing into such a delightful little man – even through your challenging phases.  Each morning my initial grumpiness at being woken early fades as I pull you out of your crib.  Your huge smile as you practically jump into my arms wins me over every time.
 
I can’t imagine my life without you, my little Kai-Bear … we honestly are better for having you in our lives.  I love you so much it hurts.
 
Your Momma.

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Today I Wish …

… that instead of 1, I could answer 3.

… I didn’t feel a twinge of guilt whenever I realize how happy I am.

… running into the MoMs group in town meant saying hello to dear friends, instead of sending me scurrying for the parking lot.

… Kai knew his older sisters.

… that having my little man didn’t mean not having Avery and Sophie.

… that somehow all the wonderful parts of now could be melded with all the wonderful could have beens of yesterday to create a different sort of tomorrow.

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On Mother’s Day

To my daughters, who made me a mother – I still miss you every single day.

To my son, who taught me about mothering – I love you more than words could ever say.

To each mother out there, I honour you today, to the role you eagerly play.

And to each for whom this day is painful, for which this date brings tears when alone, for whom empty arms ache for a babe – today I am thinking of you.

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Identity

At one point in time, I knew precisely who I was.  Anyone asked, I had a response – split second, no delay.

Then came the desire to have kids (and yes, for the sake of writing a post, not a novel I am oversimplifying).  A couple of years passed between me being ready to start a family and DH feeling the same way.  Finally, we got on the same page.

You know the story from there.  Pregnancy, baby loss, more pregnancy and loss … and 2 1/2 years after we were on the same page, Kai was born. 

For those years, pregnancy and babies fairly consumed me.  I tried not to let it, and I probably would have denied it if you had asked, but so much of me was devoted to grief, longing, and the desire to hold a baby in my arms.

Once Kai was born, well, along with still dealing with the loss of our girls, I now had a newborn to care for.  Mommyhood became fairly all-consuming.

And now?  Well, Kai isn’t quite so demanding of my time and energy anymore.  I am getting more sleep, and to be honest?  He is happy for hours playing in a laundry basket 🙂 (Not that I leave him neglected in his basket for hours on end). 

And I am left to ponder my identity.  Who am I now?  I know I am not the same person – I have added and taken away parts of me since that time long ago.  It is strange, in a way, I feel like I am back in my early 20s – rediscovering me.  Except this time “me” has a few more edges, a few more scars, a little more complexity to sort out.

Hence the blog silence … I am trying to figure out me.  Who am I, what I have to say, my place in the blogosphere.  Feeling a bit like a broken record, I have been here before … and I know many others are “here” as well. 

Thinking, pondering, and trying to figure it all out.

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