Archive for May, 2010
… that instead of 1, I could answer 3.
… I didn’t feel a twinge of guilt whenever I realize how happy I am.
… running into the MoMs group in town meant saying hello to dear friends, instead of sending me scurrying for the parking lot.
… Kai knew his older sisters.
… that having my little man didn’t mean not having Avery and Sophie.
… that somehow all the wonderful parts of now could be melded with all the wonderful could have beens of yesterday to create a different sort of tomorrow.
To my daughters, who made me a mother – I still miss you every single day.
To my son, who taught me about mothering – I love you more than words could ever say.
To each mother out there, I honour you today, to the role you eagerly play.
And to each for whom this day is painful, for which this date brings tears when alone, for whom empty arms ache for a babe – today I am thinking of you.
At one point in time, I knew precisely who I was. Anyone asked, I had a response – split second, no delay.
Then came the desire to have kids (and yes, for the sake of writing a post, not a novel I am oversimplifying). A couple of years passed between me being ready to start a family and DH feeling the same way. Finally, we got on the same page.
You know the story from there. Pregnancy, baby loss, more pregnancy and loss … and 2 1/2 years after we were on the same page, Kai was born.
For those years, pregnancy and babies fairly consumed me. I tried not to let it, and I probably would have denied it if you had asked, but so much of me was devoted to grief, longing, and the desire to hold a baby in my arms.
Once Kai was born, well, along with still dealing with the loss of our girls, I now had a newborn to care for. Mommyhood became fairly all-consuming.
And now? Well, Kai isn’t quite so demanding of my time and energy anymore. I am getting more sleep, and to be honest? He is happy for hours playing in a laundry basket 🙂 (Not that I leave him neglected in his basket for hours on end).
And I am left to ponder my identity. Who am I now? I know I am not the same person – I have added and taken away parts of me since that time long ago. It is strange, in a way, I feel like I am back in my early 20s – rediscovering me. Except this time “me” has a few more edges, a few more scars, a little more complexity to sort out.
Hence the blog silence … I am trying to figure out me. Who am I, what I have to say, my place in the blogosphere. Feeling a bit like a broken record, I have been here before … and I know many others are “here” as well.
Thinking, pondering, and trying to figure it all out.