Confessions and Feedback Wanted

A few confessional thoughts for the day –

Monkey at 23 Weeks

Monkey at 23 Weeks

Due to daily heartburn, me and my tums are essentially best friends.  I don’t go anywhere without them.  That said, I think I have officially turned the corner on the “healthy” use of tums.  Yesterday, no heartburn in sight, I  wandered by the cupboard and thought about popping in a few – just cause they taste good.  ????  Apparently I have eaten far too many.  When chalky, fake-fruit tasting pucks sounds good, there is something wrong.

I still think about Avery and Sophie pretty much every day … wondering who they might have been, what our lives would have been like.  That said, I always envision a pretty “perfected” view of them – in my daydreams there are no snotty noses, no temper tantrums, and generally, the most perfect little girls you could imagine.  Sometimes I think this might lead to issues down the road when I discover that little children don’t generally work like daydreams do 🙂

I am in a definitely dry spell with blogging.  I am finding myself in a good space right now – and am loving being at this stage of pregnancy, something I never thought I would be able to say.  That said, I feel guilty blogging that here … it feels wrong when so many of my blogging friends are in that horribly painful place of longing for pregnancy and babies.  I don’t know quite how to reconcile this happiness and my desire to share it with my desire to respect those in pain.  It was easy when pain was mostly what I experienced, but on this journey to Rebuild Myself, slowly I am finding more joy, and less of the pain.  Hard to know how to work with that in this space.

Linked to the last point, I love my pregnant belly.  If I hadn’t experience pregnancy loss, it would probably be pasted all over any online networking place I frequent.  Then again, if it wasn’t for our losses, I might be more concerned with possible stretchmarks and weight gain – instead, I find myself thrilled with the proof of growth.  That said, I now try to limit how many I share, again I don’t want to be the cause of more pain.  I have tentatively decided on every 4 weeks … I know I enjoy seeing updated bellies, even when I wasn’t pregnant myself.  Would love feedback on this one though.  Is it to painful?  Would you rather I keep them to myself?  I honestly would like to know …

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11 Comments »

  1. nsamona said

    Share your belly weekly! This is YOUR time too be happy :)!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Rebekah said

    I love reading happy posts! I want to be a part of good times & bad for my friends both real life & online. I do understand your dilemma though, earlier in my grief I avoided blogs that mentioned subsequent children and haven’t decided if I’ll start a totally new blog when my time comes or not- I’m leaning towards not though. Reading your posts gives me hope because I want to enjoy my next pregnancy and not walk around in a straight jacket for 40 weeks. I’m glad there’s such joy in your life!! (Don’t appoligize for it)

  3. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to hear that you’re in a good place right now 🙂 I know I may be in the minority here, but I personally don’t “get” people who set up new blogs or stop blogging if they’re pregnant. I consider you a friend and want to see a happy ending for you, and it warms my heart to know that you’re in a happy (happy ish/ happier) place now! Also, IMO, this is your space to write about your life, not just your loss! Again, just my opinion. . . .that’s what I intend to do if/when I’m ever in your shoes, and I’m sure not everyone will agree with me 🙂

    p.s. you look absolutely beautiful.

  4. Brenna said

    Bluebird said exactly what I feel! I for one am really happy to hear that you’re feeling more joy than pain lately. I want that for all of my friends, online and off–peace and happiness and healing from their hurts. You look absolutely gorgeous, that’s SUCH a beautiful pregnant tummy.

  5. Donna said

    Please don’t keep it to yourself!!! Even when I wasn’t pregnant I wanted to see that someone else had made it through.

    Noe that I am pregnant I am dealing with the same feelings. I want to be able to share my joy and excitement – but I don’t want to cause any undo pain either.

  6. Susi said

    I love reading that there is happiness to come after all this pain we are enduring as baby lost moms. Your post just put the biggest smile on my face and it gave me a spurt of hope.

    Your belly is absolutely stunning and you should show it off whenever you get a chance. It makes me happy to see that there is another side to this sad and devastating story.

    Keep on posting your pregnancy pictures and stories. Love them.

  7. Jamie said

    I think you and I are in the same place right now. I am so thrilled with my own pregnancy and how far Skeeter and I have come, I feel a little guilty blogging about it. I have been asking the same questions and have received nothing but overwhelming support. I would love to see more belly pics!

  8. Jacinta said

    It is so wonderful to read how you are doing. Please keep sharing your story with us. Looking sensational by the way!

  9. Christy said

    It totally gives me hope and peaceful feelings to see people who have gone through some of the same things as me have a happy ending. I love to see it/read about it and I would love for you to continue.

  10. Erika said

    I am happy to hear that you’re happy! It’s kind of the goal, right? 😉 I find myself in a very similar place to you- thinking about my twin girls a lot, but also finding happiness in new adventures and new life. I think everyone appreciates honesty, and this blog is really for you more than for anyone else. If someone doesn’t like what you’re posting, then they won’t click on your link anymore. You know? I know in the early stages of my grief I abandoned a few blogs because I wasn’t in the same place as that person. No biggie- it just happens, you can’t please everyone. I think your blog now is showing people that it is possible to be happy after horrific loss, and that there is hope in the future. I will continue reading! (((hugs)))

  11. MoDLin said

    Thanks for such an honest post. Dealing with grief and joy is complex and I think it’s important to do what feels right to you. You look fabulous in the photo. I see it as reassuring and hopeful to see you in such a beautiful place now.

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