Archive for June, 2010

Walking Away

I never wanted to be that woman … the one whose journey I followed daily until she abandoned her blog shortly after her rainbow baby was born.  “Don’t Go”, I wanted to yell – I need to know it will be okay.  I want to know what it is like on the other side.

But I find myself there.  Slowly my blog is dying.  I just have less to say these days.  This blog was my grief blog, my safe space to talk about the girls.  Yet somehow, as Monkey grows, I feel better incorporating them completely into my life.  I include them in conversation more, I speak their names out loud, I share my grief with others.  I think it is that I am finally strong enough to weather the blank stares, awkward pauses, and incorrect words as people stumble through what to do and say.

And so, I find this space becoming increasingly neglected.  I still follow each of your blogs … I love hearing everyones’ words and stories.  But I find mine lacking.

I have kept pushing off the inevitable, thinking maybe it was just for a short time.  But it isn’t.  And so, I am walking away from this space.  I don’t know that I will be gone forever … in fact, I anticipate there will be times where I will return.  But they will be few and far between.

Thank you so much for following me on my journey, for cheering me on, for holding onto my hope when I didn’t have the strength.  I will continue to follow you … and one day, I may return to this space.  

But for now, I am going offline for awhile.  Me and my little brown-eyed man have some serious playing to do.


Comments (11)

So Thankful

That this year’s Fathers Day card had teeth marks and smears of prune stickiness … complements of the munchkin below.  It was so much better than the perfect cards of years’ past.

And so thankful that this year I have been allowed to capture priceless moments like this on camera, instead of just imagining what they could have been.

Comments (3)

Rumaging Through My Memories

In the next couple weeks, I will be writing several pieces for an online magazine – each piece dealing with some aspect of loss/grief.  In order to put one of the pieces together, I found myself searching through the archives of my blogs … into posts written in the months after losing Avery and Sophie.

To be honest, I haven’t reread those posts … ever.  Even though they are my words, and my thoughts … it seemed too raw of a pain too read, and like it would open up too many wounds.

So it was with hesitation that I delved into November and December of 2007 archives.  And I admit, I was a little surprised.  Although it is my story, I felt a little like an outsider.  I wept when I read the post I wrote two days after we lost them, tears ran down my face as I saw my words that first Christmas … but the rawness was long gone. 

It is strange this journey of grief.  Even the days when my breath catches, and the tears come, well, I am realizing just how far away it is from the initial pain.  The process of healing is slow, but that is exactly what it is … healing.  And I have been caught a little by surprise. 

No, I will never be the same.  No, I will never leave tear-free.  No, I will never hold my baby girls on this side of heaven.  I am scarred.  But slowly and surely, my heart has put itself back together again.  Differently, but together.

Comments (4)

A Little Lighter Fare …

Dear Phone-Company-That-Shall-Remain-Annonymous,

Please understand that I am not calling because I don’t get your system.  Trust me, I do.  When I say I am calling because your online system is not working because my account isn’t accurate I do know what I am talking about.

No, I do not need 4 separate people to explain your system to me.  It is not understanding that is the issue … it is that my online account isn’t accurate.  The fact that you have never seen this issue before is insignificant to me right now, I am unable to do what I need to in order to purchase a new phone.  And no, I can’t run down to the nearest store to pick up a new one.  An hour drive is simply not convenient right now.  And no, I am not stupid, that is the nearest one.

Please please understand this after this last call, I beg you.  The 1 1/2 hours I have already spent trying to explain this to you is getting old.  And not having a full display on my phone because my baby vomited into it is also getting old.

Thank you very much. Sincerely – completely frustrated with you.

Leave a Comment