Archive for June, 2010

Walking Away

I never wanted to be that woman … the one whose journey I followed daily until she abandoned her blog shortly after her rainbow baby was born.  “Don’t Go”, I wanted to yell – I need to know it will be okay.  I want to know what it is like on the other side.

But I find myself there.  Slowly my blog is dying.  I just have less to say these days.  This blog was my grief blog, my safe space to talk about the girls.  Yet somehow, as Monkey grows, I feel better incorporating them completely into my life.  I include them in conversation more, I speak their names out loud, I share my grief with others.  I think it is that I am finally strong enough to weather the blank stares, awkward pauses, and incorrect words as people stumble through what to do and say.

And so, I find this space becoming increasingly neglected.  I still follow each of your blogs … I love hearing everyones’ words and stories.  But I find mine lacking.

I have kept pushing off the inevitable, thinking maybe it was just for a short time.  But it isn’t.  And so, I am walking away from this space.  I don’t know that I will be gone forever … in fact, I anticipate there will be times where I will return.  But they will be few and far between.

Thank you so much for following me on my journey, for cheering me on, for holding onto my hope when I didn’t have the strength.  I will continue to follow you … and one day, I may return to this space.  

But for now, I am going offline for awhile.  Me and my little brown-eyed man have some serious playing to do.

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So Thankful

That this year’s Fathers Day card had teeth marks and smears of prune stickiness … complements of the munchkin below.  It was so much better than the perfect cards of years’ past.

And so thankful that this year I have been allowed to capture priceless moments like this on camera, instead of just imagining what they could have been.

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Rumaging Through My Memories

In the next couple weeks, I will be writing several pieces for an online magazine – each piece dealing with some aspect of loss/grief.  In order to put one of the pieces together, I found myself searching through the archives of my blogs … into posts written in the months after losing Avery and Sophie.

To be honest, I haven’t reread those posts … ever.  Even though they are my words, and my thoughts … it seemed too raw of a pain too read, and like it would open up too many wounds.

So it was with hesitation that I delved into November and December of 2007 archives.  And I admit, I was a little surprised.  Although it is my story, I felt a little like an outsider.  I wept when I read the post I wrote two days after we lost them, tears ran down my face as I saw my words that first Christmas … but the rawness was long gone. 

It is strange this journey of grief.  Even the days when my breath catches, and the tears come, well, I am realizing just how far away it is from the initial pain.  The process of healing is slow, but that is exactly what it is … healing.  And I have been caught a little by surprise. 

No, I will never be the same.  No, I will never leave tear-free.  No, I will never hold my baby girls on this side of heaven.  I am scarred.  But slowly and surely, my heart has put itself back together again.  Differently, but together.

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A Little Lighter Fare …

Dear Phone-Company-That-Shall-Remain-Annonymous,

Please understand that I am not calling because I don’t get your system.  Trust me, I do.  When I say I am calling because your online system is not working because my account isn’t accurate I do know what I am talking about.

No, I do not need 4 separate people to explain your system to me.  It is not understanding that is the issue … it is that my online account isn’t accurate.  The fact that you have never seen this issue before is insignificant to me right now, I am unable to do what I need to in order to purchase a new phone.  And no, I can’t run down to the nearest store to pick up a new one.  An hour drive is simply not convenient right now.  And no, I am not stupid, that is the nearest one.

Please please understand this after this last call, I beg you.  The 1 1/2 hours I have already spent trying to explain this to you is getting old.  And not having a full display on my phone because my baby vomited into it is also getting old.

Thank you very much. Sincerely – completely frustrated with you.

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