Archive for December, 2009

3 Months

Only 5 days late ūüôā

Dear Kai,

It’s hard to believe that you are already 3 months old.¬† I remember cradling you while you were still in my belly … dreaming of holding you on Christmas Eve.¬† It seems like just yesterday it was all hope.

And yet, it is real … we have the pictures to prove it.¬†¬† And what a wonderful Christmas it was.¬† Holding you in our arms was a wonderful thing for your Daddy and I, the culmination of several incredibly painful Christmases we spent waiting for you.

Looking back on this last month, it is remarkable how much you have changed.  You have gone from a mostly unresponsive newborn into a highly responsive and social baby.  We have loved watching the changes in you.

You favorite activity this month has been talking to people.¬† You could spend hours working to imitate the sounds we make.¬† Having family around at Christmas was a real treat for you … even having cousins there for bath time.

A close second is snuggling – and we don’t mind one bit.¬† I love sitting in the chair holding you close.¬† I treasure the moments we have, knowing that one day you will be an active little boy who doesn’t sit still for long.¬† Somehow I think you will always be dragging blanket behind you though – as you already have shown a great love for any blanket that is soft!

You discovered your hands this month, and are delighted with both of them.¬† Soon after you started grabbing at toys … although you have yet to master the coordination needed to get them.

It has been 3 months Schnuks Рand I have been loving every one of them.

Your momma.

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Stopping By …

To say I am still here … just away and enjoying this Christmas season with family and friends.¬† Many thoughts in my head … but they will have to wait until we return home.

Thinking of you all, those with new happy memories to celebrate, and those still waiting for hope to take away the pain.

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On Gender

Because of where we live, we were unable to find out Monkey’s gender while pregnant.¬† Although we would have liked to know, it wasn’t a huge deal to us as “live” was the ultimate goal … anything beyond, a bonus.

Throughout the pregnancy though, I really felt Monkey was a girl.¬† Probably due to the similarities in the pregnancy to the twins, combined with having lost girls … I don’t know what exactly, but strongly felt that way.

Enough so that we were both surprised when it was announced that we had a boy.  That said, aside from a brief moment of surprise, we were both nothing but ecstatic.

And Kai is certainly all boy. See?

And I love every bit of him.¬† But yet, in the last couple weeks, I have started to wonder what it would have been like to have a girl.¬† I wonder if we will ever have the opportunity to put bows in hair, and dress a baby all in pink.¬† I think about the things he won’t do (or probably not anyways) that a little girl would have.¬†

It’s strange.¬† We are so fully content with him – and I love his “boyness”.¬† But like so many other things, there will always be the whispers in my brain – the “what ifs”.¬†¬†Strange how something that really doesn’t matter at all can still¬†be present.

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Losing One’s Voice

Sorry for the sparse blogging over here.  Like many baby-loss mommas, I have found myself at a bit of a loss for words with the arrival of Kai. 

On one hand, I still have experienced the loss of Avery and Sophie, and I believe it makes me a drastically different person than I would have been without losing the girls.¬† It affects the way I think, the way I act, and the way I treat others.¬† They imprinted on my heart … no other children will ever take that away.

But on the other, I now have Kai … and am experiencing the joys and trials of having a small son.¬† I feel hesitant to share either here – the joys because I know the pain they can cause, and the trials because I don’t want to seem ungrateful.¬† Everyday, I thank God for our Monkey … but everyday I go to bed feeling guilty that I wasn’t able to give more, that I had negative thoughts, that I was frustrated with him for one thing or another.

I feel as though I have lost my voice, and am unsure how to continue … or whether I even should.¬†

No answers today, just a bunch of rambly thoughts.

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It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like …

Christmas … at least it is outside.¬† After a very mild fall, Winter arrived with a vengeance … strangely enough on December 1st.

See?

It’s absolutely stunning out … and it has me thinking about Christmas.¬† This year will be so much different than the last two years, it is hard to find the words to describe it.

Strangely enough, the inside of our home is starkly different as well.¬† Due to an extended trip to see family the last half of the month, we made the decision not to decorate our house, it just doesn’t make sense.¬† For the first time, there are no decorations inside my front door, no wonderful smelling tree, no lights twinkling at night.

The last two Christmases these things have been very important to me.¬† I felt like I was drowning in grief, and somehow the “stuff” of Christmas was what held me together … even though I KNOW that isn’t what the season is about, it was just what I needed to keep going.

This year there is nothing, and you know what?¬† I am okay with it.¬† Last Christmas I remember placing remembrance ornaments on our tree for the girls and hanging up two stockings.¬† As I sat there, my one wish was that there would be a little person filling up our lives by the next Christmas …

And there is … and somehow the season again fills full.¬† At least for us.¬† But each day since December 1st, I have felt extreme sadness as I think of all the people out there for whom this is still an incredibly painful time … I wish somehow I could bottle just a little of my happiness and send it their way.¬†

Somehow I wish I could send them just a little bit of him …

PS – although I still read so many blogs, blogger has apparently cut me off from using this account to comment.¬† I am trying to figure out what is wrong, but in the meantime, I am still reading and thinking about all of you … just unable to actually leave a message for anyone that doesn’t allow an annonymous feature.

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