Archive for November, 2008

Only One Line

<sigh> I knew it was going to happen, but it was still disappointing anyways.

At least I can finally take some advil and cold medication … and maybe grab some Baileys for a hot chocolate later today.

Still feeling remarkably confident and hopeful, although definitely sad that there will be no exciting annoucement to the family at Christmas.

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Victim of the 2WW

I hate Tylenol … I really do.  Stuck in the 2 week wait, I am in that silly place of acting as though I am pregnant, even though it very well could not be the case.

And that my friends, means no Advil for migraines.  And of course, my body senses the timing … 3 days later, migraine is still in the background, laughing at the pitiful tylenol I throw at it.

What I wouldn’t give for two Advil and a TON of caffiene right now.

Or, alternately two pink lines and the knowledge that it will end in a baby in 9 months.  Really, I could suck up a lot of migraines for that 🙂

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A Letter

To the Hope Currently Residing in my Chest:

First off, I do thank you for finally returning to my life.  It had been so long I really had forgotten what it felt like to anticipate a future that might not be quick as bleak as the present and recent past.  Please know, I am thankful.

That said, I would appreciate it you toned it down a bit right now.  You are out of control, running rampant, playing with a very fragile heart.  I think that you are acting very irresponsibly right now – causing me to imagine telling people about a pregnancy, thinking of a Christmas finally pregnant, and planning a summertime due date.  For the life of me, I am unable to reign you in.  My normal logical approach to life is failing me now that you have taken up residence.

All I ask if for you to take a step back, maybe even disappear for the next week or so.  If you are unwarranted, I would appreciate if you could go on vacation for a couple of weeks.  I will need you back in a bit, but right now, I can’t deal with the havoc you are wreaking, especially if you are unfounded.

Sincerely,

Trying-desperately-not-to-pee-on-a-stick-WAY-WAY-too-early.

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Life in Short Segments

2 week chunks.  That’s how I currently live my life.  Strange how trying to bring home a child can do that to you.

There are so many other things that fill up our life – friends, work, errands – and yet, when it comes down to it, the one thing I am always incredibly aware of is where we are at in the “two weeks”, whether it be to ovulation or to testing.

In some ways, it makes me so frustrated.  I wish that I could leave it behind if I want to, but I can’t, it really is always there.  And I know, it will only get worse.  When (note the when, not if) we get pregnant again it will only become shorter – weeks, days, even just hours – each moment willing the survival of a small growing child.

I now look back fondly at the “semester” chunks of University … how I wish I could get back to thinking about life like that 🙂

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Looking Forward

First off, a big thank you for all your support and ideas for remembering the girls.  There were so many ideas that I loved … and knowing we were loved and thought of made the last couple days so much easier.

Along with donating in our girls’ memory, we also decided to buy two pearls every year on their birthday.  Symbolizing teardrops, pearls seemed right.  Over time, there will be enough for a necklace – not only a memento of their death, but also of their life and the time that has passed and the impact they will still always have on us and our family.

As for the “Looking Forward” title – as I work up yesterday, I felt a tremendous weight lifted off my chest.  For so long we have been dreading their due date, to be past it was an incredible relief.  For the first time in months, I honestly felt positive about our future.

And so, a blog skin change was in order.  I am big on symbolism and my last skin was “Dusk” … today, I changed it to “Almost Spring”.  Here is to hoping that our spring is just around the corner.

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To My Girls, On Their Birthday

rose-petals1

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

– Glory Baby, Watermark

A special thank you to Carly for the beautiful picture above.

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I Miss You Baby Girls

Avery's Feet

Avery

Sophie's Feet

Sophie

Today I can’t help but think about all the “One Year Ago Todays …”.  One year ago I felt my girls move for the last time.  It was the last time strangers would ask me when I was due, the last time I discussed the excitement over picking their names with my parents, the last time my husband and I talked about plans for our future with twins.  We were so happy, blissfully unaware that only hours later we would be in the hospital, being told our girls would not survive the night.

I miss you so much baby girls.  It feels so wrong that today is the last day I can use “One Year Ago Today” and still be talking about your brief little lives.

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