Archive for July, 2008

A Special Gift

There are times where people shock you with their insensitivity.  But on the other hand, there are times where those you would least expect take your breath away with their thoughtfulness and care.

This weekend I had one of those moment.  My husband’s aunt, a very unlikely individual, gave us a gift that completely blew me away and brought tears to my eyes.  She gave us the following –

Bracelets for the girls

I honestly can’t express in words what these meant.  These are the only items I have with their names on them and  they were a powerful statement about the legitimacy of our girls.  For a woman who has never mentioned them after their death, I was honestly completely blown away.

I will treasure them always.


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Baby Steps Forward

Time Heals … sort of.

You hear that time heals pain.  While I know that the pain I carry from losing Avery and Sophie will never completely disappear, I have been slowly watching time at least numb some of the rawness associated with it. 

That said, certain things still trigger me and bring me back to all the extreme grief of November.  Because of that, I still find myself hesistant when I have to go out in public – uncontrollable situations still make me nervous. 

One such trigger is identical twins, really any age will do, although infants are especially bad … all I can think about are the girls.  Honestly, if I see a double stroller or two car seats I just walk the other way.

Today I met my husband for lunch.  As I walked through the door, double car seats sat on the table closet to the “Place Order Here” sign.  I couldn’t get away from them and as I walked over, I realized they were infant twins.

I waited for the inevitable … but it didn’t come.  While I felt a wave of sadness the intense pain didn’t hit, the tears didn’t flow and to my surprise, part of me wanted to ask about their names and age. 

I walked out of the restaurant a little shocked but relieved.  Time does heal … and with it, I keep taking baby steps forward.  And yet, I couldn’t help but feel melancholy as well.  Time is passing, and with it, the vividness of the short life of my precious little ones begins to fade.

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Well we survived the move and after 2 weeks without internet (seriously, who know I was that addicted to it?) we are back online.

Today I was catching up on all my blog reading and came across a post at Glow in the Woods titled The One You Can Tell, which speaks about the edited version of your life versus the unedited.  It really spoke to the new place I find myself in now …

When we first found out we were moving due to my husband’s job, I found myself extremely relieved.  I am a very private person and so losing our twins at 20 weeks put me in an incredibly difficult spot.  Everyone knew I was pregnant, there really was no hiding it (especially in light of being very slim to begin with) … so therefore my pain and loss was public.  I couldn’t choose who to share with, everyone – even random people at the library and gym – knew.  Even worse, because of my thin frame, combined with TTTS, I looked much further along that 20 weeks.  After losing Avery and Sophie, many unknowing individuals asked me how my new baby was doing.  The first few months I honestly just hid out in my house, hoping to avoid prying eyes.

All that to say, I was relieved to be moving … to finally have my chance to chose who to tell, to chose the edited or unedited version of me.

Yet now that I am here, in this new space, I am lost.  It is so much easier to stick with the edited story, to answer questions about children with “none”.  But it feels wrong, so very wrong.  I do have two, they just aren’t with me here … and I feel like I abandon them every time I don’t acknowledge their existence.

How do you bring up children you can’t hold?  How do you casually talk about every parent’s worst fear?  How do I share my heart without becoming too vunerable? 

Honestly, I don’t know how …

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6 x 6

The new 6 x 6 is up at Glow in the Woods, so I thought I would give this one a try.

1 |   How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?  Before: I felt stronger than fear, as though I could conquer it.  After: I realized strength was a wall I stood behind to hide from fear.  Loss was the weapon that destroyed my fall.  Faith is slowly allowing me to deal with the fear that is now as familiar to me as my own hand.
2 |   Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?  Their memory is never far, but I feel they are slipping away.  I am currently thinking of getting a tattoo of their footprints as an ever present reminder – as their lives have left a permanent mark on me.
3 |   Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.  It is important for me to have people ask about them or mention them, or even acknowledge my pregnancy.  Giving legitimacy to their lives is the biggest thing for me.  Very few people have been strong enough to do this – but I appreciate every one.
4 |   Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.  I have had several people comment “At least it was just a miscarriage, it’s not like they were real” … Yes, people have said this.  Sometimes I have to fight hard not to pull out the picture of my two beatifully formed 20 week old girls that I gave birth to, just to show them how wrong they really are.
5 |   What’s taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?  The last place I went before we lost them was Home Depot … it took me six months to go there again.  I bawled all the way home, although afterwards I found that I had a new strength, knowing I finally did what I had been dreading doing.
6 |   How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?  Before: the strong one, always ready to help, coach, love … never ready to accept any of this from others.  After: broken, weary, but also softer, more dependent (in my case a good thing), more willing to recognize my own weaknesses and look for much needed support.  I also realize much more how amazing my husband truly is – he has been incredible as we have walked this journey.

As a side note, I will be going AWOL for the next few weeks (until mid-July).  We are in the midst of a hellish move and won’t have internet again until mid month.  Not quite sure what I am going to do 🙂

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