Rebuilding Myself

Dear Kai,

Wow – 6 months! While I know one day I will look back and chuckle at how long I thought 1/2 a year was, I still can’t help but be amazed you have been here for that long.  It doesn’t seem that long ago that you entered the world screaming, changing our world forever for the better.

This month has been another big one for you.  You eagerly anticipate discovering new things – yourself still being your favorite subject for exploration!  Your fingers and toes still fascinate you, although your voice is high on the list as well.  You found your screech this month, and while we would rather you didn’t use it, you are quite proud each and every time.  You now roll over with some regularity, but sitting is a much better activity in your books.  Even better is hanging out in your jolly jumper.  You would spend hours in there if momma would let you.

You are definitely a little entertainer right now.  Each noise you make, toy you rattle, and every time you roll you quickly look around the room with a smile – making sure everyone present saw your great feat.  You found your tongue and delight in blowing raspberries.  You often smile with your tongue sticking out … a quirky, rather endearing little trait 😉

You happily hand out smiles to anyone willing to talk to you.  Your laughs are still rarer than smiles, but are wonderful to hear when we get them.  Silly songs still rank high on ways to get them, although a good tickle to your ribs works as well.

You are still definitely a thinker, carefully observing everything in your world.  Each new place, person, or activity is pondered before you will move forward.  You aren’t frightened by new things, just like to think them over.  In some ways I think it makes you seem older than you are.  I often wonder what exactly you think about while you stare a new person or situation down.

The dog and cat are some of your favorite discoveries these past couple of months.  You now realize they are there, and you love touching them as they wander by.  Watch out critters when the Kai-Bear learns to crawl!

Snuggling is still high on your list of favorite things.  You love back scratches, head rubs, and snuggling into a warm shoulder.  I try to breathe in your particular smell when you cuddle – a wonderful mix of baby smells. This month you and I started an infant massage course – you loved the first class!  I think I will teach your daddy as well, as it will hopefully help you relax enough to sleep.

Ah sleep, the one thing you aren’t really excited to do.  You still like to party with me at least a couple times a night, and daytime napping is something you would really prefer to give up entirely.  There is just too much to be done to nap!  And unfortunately it was made even harder this month as you started cutting your first tooth (a molar) and experienced your first ear ache.  Poor baby!

Little man, our monkey, the munch, Kaisers, Snucks, sweet pea and monster – all names we use when talking to you.  It is amazing how much better we have all gotten to know each other over the past 1/2 year. 

Each day I still wake up amazed, blessed and extremely thankful for you.  Even on our most difficult days, I can’t imagine not having you here with us.  You truly are a delight, my little man.  I love you,

Your momma.

Just taking time out to try to deal with two colds (mine and little man’s), Kai’s first ear infection, and the cutting of Kai’s first tooth, a molar (yes, that’s right … molar or eye tooth, yet to be determined. No easy first teeth for this kid).

Needless to say, both Kai and I are seeing way too many hours of the night right now. Poor kiddy.

Had to include this picture though – Kai’s favorite place to play these days 🙂

Have you ever walked through the woods just as the wind picks up?  You know that whisper it makes as it weaves through the trees?

I don’t have a word for it, but it is that feeling I get at this time of year.  All is calm, and then I sense it, I hear it … the wind begins whispering.

March brings the whispers of the could-have-been.  Avery and Sophie were due at the beginning of April, in all likelihood they would have been March babies.  Bug too was due in April, albeit slightly later in the month.

And so, in spite of all my happiness, a wave of melancholy hit me this last week.  The wind again whispers.

Several weeks ago, a very well-intentioned friend excitedly told me about a “free gift” baby program that Nestle puts on here in Canada.  She handed me the application – thinking I would like to sign up.

It sat, burning a hole on my counter for weeks.  Why?  Because I signed up with the twins … and after they died, I continued to get “Congratulations you are __ pregnant!” and “Congratulations, your babies are __ old!” packages until we moved and I didn’t change our address.  I know I could have called and cancelled, I just couldn’t.  And every time the package arrived, my heart broke just a little more.

But I know the packages are chocked full of good deals … and I should sign up.  We aren’t made of money after all.  So the application sat … until today.  When I decided.  I just can’t. 

Time heals many things.  My little man has healed many others.  But other things just won’t … and Nestle, thanks so much, but for now, no thanks.