We have been getting many Christmas letters from friends and family the past couple weeks. Yesterday, as I read yet another (as a reference, I do love getting them) I started composing our letter in my head. It sounded something like the following … no wonder we didn’t send one out 🙂
Dear Friends and Family,
I hope that this Christmas finds you well, and that yours is happier than ours! We are struggling to find happiness in a season now fraught with memories and the should have beens of lost little ones.
The past year has been an interesting one for us. After losing our precious girls in mid-November 2007, January 2008 had us reeling. To top it off, DH got a new job. As wonderful as this was, it meant six months apart … with him 3 hours away by plane. He left on January 13.
The next six months were hellish, as he worked through his training, and I attempted to keep working, pay our bills, and survive until July. Apparently I didn’t do a great job as I was diagnosed with PPD in April. My best birthday present? Pills, wonderful pills … ones that made me feel normal again.
July brought with it a move to a new town. Excited to move, we still had to work through the adjustment of a new place, new home, new people, and new jobs … in addition to working through remembering what it was like to live together. The rest of the summer was a whirlwind of visitors and getting our house set up.
We were thrilled to find out we were pregnant in August – although it felt too good to be true. Sure enough, it was … and in mid-September I faced a D&C. Since then we have been back on the “trying” wagon, although without success.
The fall has been filled with me trying to get my health back, trying to deal with the memories of Avery and Sophie, and prepping for another Christmas we aren’t keen on celebrating. We continue to look forward to 2009 – hoping that maybe it will be our year, finally one better than the last two.
Love from Rebuilding Myself and DH.
No wonder we didn’t send one out, hey? Made me chuckle to compose it in my head none-the-less.
That said, I am wishing all your baby-lost mamas out there the best Christmas possible. That you will be able to enjoy the little things that make you smile and that your memories of your little ones are more sweet than bitter.