Although there are many things that a new pregnancy does not change, one thing that has most certainly shifted is the amount of time I spend dwelling on what could have have. I think for the most part I find it difficult to reconcile the two – what could have been is my two sweet daughters … but what is, is this brand new life. And the two can not exist together. In my dreams I would like them to but I know in reality they can’t. Therefore, I tend not to think about the could haves quite as much.
This weekend though was different. I was hit in the face with the could have beens. Walking down our main street I saw a young mom, struggling to carry two little girls. Two little identical girls – about a year old. It took my breath away. While other stared because of the twins, I stared because I saw who I could have been. Our girls would have been about a year now – and like these twins, quite possibly would have been blond with big brown eyes.
Everything in me wanted to stop that mom, tell her to treasure every moment, to squeeze her girls tight every night – because she is lucky to have them. I wanted to tell her of Avery and Sophie – but knew I couldn’t. My heart constricted thinking of our little girls, the ones we will never meet.
And yet, when I walked away, I still held a hand to my growing belly, thanking God for what we do have, right now, here, today.