Archive for April, 2010
A few things that have been bringing smiles to my face this week.
The men in my life
Kai and his “new” game – Peek-A-Boo
That after a few too many days that looked like picture #1, the sun came back today and me and the little man were able to test out his new backyard swing.
November 12th. It will always be Avery and Sophie’s birthday … although I hesitate to call it such as they were not born alive. That said, it is the day they came into the world … and the day they left it. It is forever theirs.
That said, today is their other day … their due date. Such a strange date to remember. Babies are rarely born on their due date, twins even less so. And yet … in August 2007 when I first saw two little pink lines, April 6th was the date given for our impending little bundle.
April 6th will always be associated with that initial joy, the excitement, the sense of wonder and amazement. And it will alway feel just a little empty, a day full of empty promises.
The house does not hold two rambunctious two-year-olds. No little girls giggle in the back room. I can’t hold them and tell them when we anticipated their arrival … they will never know what April 6th meant to me.
And no matter how much joy I find in their little brother, this date belongs to them. To my first and second born, to my daughters. Today, mommy is thinking of you my sweet baby girls.
I think a trait common to all mothers is the “mommy guilt” that is bound to be faced. A phenomenon known only to mothers (really, I have yet to see a dad who ponders the long-term effects of 1/2 hour of TV quite like a mom will), it can turn even the most logical woman into a shivering ball of “what have I done, what will I do, how have I damaged my baby?” – dom.
I am starting to recognize just how badly babyloss (and although I am not speaking from personal experience, I am guessing infertility as well) compounds this guilt.
Between colds, ear infections, teething, and just a general lack of desire to sleep Kai has been a wee bit needier than normal these past few weeks. And by wee bit, I mean a ton. Each night I find myself lying in bed, reviewing the day, racked by guilt over the hugs and kisses I didn’t give, the times I wished he would just nap a little bit longer … you get the point.
I sit and remember all the times I wished for the sleepless nights, the screaming babe, the spit-covered clothes. I ponder how I might have messed him up, yes, but I also think of how lucky I am – and how in no way should I have any negative thoughts. And I feel extra guilty.
But I know that even amidst all my thoughts I still wouldn’t trade him for the world. He means everything to me, and I wouldn’t give him up for anything. I know that we are doing the best we can. I know he will grow up knowing we love him, and that despite our numerous mistakes along the way, that he will turn out just fine.
But still, when I lie in bed at night, I find the guilt creeping in … and the extra guilt piling on top. And in those moments I find it hard to think of all I know, and instead think of what I feel. And I wish that there was a way to make all the guilt go away.