Archive for February, 2009

Showing Signs of Strain

Very soon after losing the girls, DH mentioned that he would not be getting attached to any other pregnancy before the baby was born.  Although upset by his statement, I could understand it.  In fact, I realized part of my anger was at the fact that I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the same – it just doesn’t work for a woman.  And his ideas of the subject were only reinforced through our pregnancy with Bug. 

Knowing that, when I first found out I was pregnant with Monkey, I set myself up for a bit of a lonely journey, at least through the first trimester.  Although I wish he would join me in talking about the baby, sharing hopes and fears, I know he isn’t at the place where he can right now … he is trying desperately to protect his heart.

That said, we are starting to feel the strain of this pregnancy.  Him – dealing with a sick hormonal wife that he doesn’t connect to any sort of positive result.  Me – sick and hormonal, wanting ridiculous amounts of support he can’t possibly give.

I don’t even know where I am going with all this.  I like to be able to wrap a post up with a nice thought … something that makes me feel satisfied as I walk away.  But unless someone has a fast forward button for us, I just don’t think it will.  Part of me hopes that our appointments this week might begin to change him a bit – maybe knowing if there is a heartbeat will be a first step.  But most of me knows it may not be the case, and that I can’t push him farther or faster than he is willing and able to move.

It’s strange, so often we think that men don’t deal with the loss as deeply as women do.  But I think they really do, they just don’t know how to share it.  Like me, DH has rawness that only holding a child will fix.  While I am able to (or silly enough to) open myself up to hurt before that point, he simply can’t – for him the pain is still too deep.

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10 weeks, 3 days

We have officially made it past the length of our last pregnancy.  Somehow the date seemed like it should be more significant than it feels once past.  Isn’t that always the way though?  It is always about getting to the next milestone … reaching the next goal.

That said, me and Monkey had a little celebration this morning.  Just a conversation – but still, a big step for me.  I’ve been working hard to stay unattached, but today, I gave myself a brief reprieve.  Had a little chat with the tummy, told Monkey how important it is that s/he stays put and keeps growing.  Let’s hope the pep talk works.

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Sharing the News

I always expected that because of our losses I would want to share news of a pregnancy earlier – just to help acquire a support network in case of another loss.

That said, with the support of my online network, I am finding myself extremely hesitant to share news of our pregnancy with anyone IRL.  I have done the token family and few friend announcements, but each time I struggle with sharing the news – I honestly don’t want to yet.  Each time feels a bit like an obligation, not like the burst of excitement it was with the girls.

Sharing it makes everything feel more “real” – if I tell people about a pregnancy, then it begins to become much more concrete.  Additionally, I am finding that sharing requires a lot of explaining … and a ton of energy.  The first words out of everyone’s mouth?  “You must be thrilled”.  Yes. Yes, I am.  But it is tempered with fear, anxiety and a cautiousness that won’t quickly disappear.  I have to deal with people’s questioning looks as I don’t jump up and down with excitement.  It is so hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced loss that although I would give anything to get to the end goal of a baby, I don’t yet see the connection between pregnancy and babies.  I am a veteran at the first trimester, I have done to 20 weeks … beyond that, it is just an illusive dream that others have experienced.

With each day that passes, my mix of emotions continues to grow.  Each day represents another victory – Monkey is still there and growing.  But each day brings me closer to the reality of becoming attached to this baby, of sharing the news with others, of having a pregnancy become public knowledge.  And honestly, the day is coming very soon.  With a belly that refuses to be controlled, hoodies will only work for so many more weeks.  This pregnancy isn’t like the twins, where I easily could have hid it until 15 weeks or so.  No, this will be a 12 weeker if I am lucky.

And I am at a bit of a loss of how to go from here to public knowledge … I guess I will come up with an action plan if everything goes well at next week’s appointment and ultrasound.

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Dates We Set

Although totally pointless, I find myself setting “when we get to …” dates with this pregnancy.  My current date?  10 weeks and 1 day.  Why?  That is the day that I went in for my D&C for our last pregnancy.  The surgeon let me know post-surgery that I probably would have finally started to lose the pregnancy naturally the same day.

So what does that mean for my current pregnancy?  Nothing.  What does it feel like it means?  Somehow, if I can make it past 10 weeks and 1 day, it feels like this baby has more of a chance.

Rational?  Nope.  Strange?  Definitely.  And yet, I can’t seem to get that out of my mind.  Next Tuesday’s the day … and after that, only a week until our next ultrasound.  And it is a good thing we are almost at those dates, because after 3 pregnancies in a year and a half, I can’t hide my little belly for much longer.

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Things We Miss

The invites have started, invites for first birthday parties.  With 8 friends having babies around the girls’ due date last year, I knew that it would come.  Even so, it caught me off guard.  How have these babies made it through their first year while I only have one night of memories with with mine?

How I wish we were sending out little invites, celebrating a year of life of our two girls.  What would they be doing right now?  What milestone’s would they have accomplished?  Would they have been early walkers?  Already babbling?  Mischievous?  Gentle? 

Today I miss the opportunities we will never have, the personalities we will never get to know.  What I wouldn’t give to be burying my face in the soft hair of my little baby girls.

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I Need an “Off” Switch

If someone could actually invent it, I guarantee that they would be rich and famous.  Like so many others, I am in need of an “off” switch on my brain at nights.

A year and three months out from losing Avery and Sophie, I am getting decent at controlling when and how much time I spend thinking of them during the day.  At almost 9 weeks into this pregnancy, the day is a fight between my willpower to maintain control and a rising sense of panic.  But during the day, I manage to keep things under control.

My nights, well, they have become a different story.  The dead baby and miscarriage dreams have begun in earnest.  At least once a night I wake, knowing I dreamt of my girls – the dream is always vague, but the sense of loss I feel when awake is real.  And at least once a night, I have a vivid dream about miscarrying Monkey.  Each morning I wake wondering if it was real – that’s how vivid they are.  And each morning, I breathe a sign of relief when the toilet paper is clean, not red like in the nights.

Needless to say, I am tired … so very tired.  I have to figure out a way to at least control my nights, although not sure how yet.  Maybe I will try having an extending writing session in my journal before bed – perhaps getting the words out would be helpful.  Any other ideas would be very welcome.

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Thank Goodness for Slow Cookers

As I only work part-time from home right now, while DH works 12 hour shifts, most of the cooking responsibilities fall on me.  Usually I don’t mind as it makes a lot of sense with the way the work shifts fall!

However, with being pregnant, cooking has become more of a challenge, especially since my worst time of the day falls in the evenings.  Yesterday evening as I laid on the couch feeling pathetic for sending DH to the kitchen for sandwiches, I thought to myself “if only I could make dinner in the mornings” …

This morning I realized I could.  I got out my slow cooker while still feeling well and put in dinner around noon.  As the queasiness has thoroughly set in now for the day, I am feeling quite proud of myself.  While I may not eat it, there will be a tasty Thai dinner waiting for DH when he gets home.

I know it sounds silly, but any small victory is a big one in my books right now.  I am fighting emotionally every day for this pregnancy, and small things make a huge difference!

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