The Forgotten Ones

Sometimes it is easy to forget about the men – the husbands, partners, boyfriends – that experience the loss of a child.  I am generalizing here, but for most, after the initial loss, their feelings are bottled up and put away.  It just isn’t as acceptable for them to express continued grief and to talk about unfulfilled desires to have children.

I didn’t really think about how real this is until this past week.  After I got upset at his cynical joking, DH and I actually had the first real conversation about children and our losses in months.  We have mentioned it, I have talked about it, but WE haven’t.  As the “man’s man” of all manly men (seriously … he totally fits that description) he has bottled up a lot, and there just aren’t the opportunities for him to share.

The conversation was hard, the loss of Bug hit him a lot harder than it did me, and he is questioning continuing down the path we are on.  And as much as I don’t like it, I can understand.  We haven’t reached any conclusions, but the conversation was a stark reminder to me to remember the men … they really are the forgotten ones in all of this.



  1. Carly said

    They are Heather. They so are. I have been trying to encourage Sam to talk about our little guy, he is thinking about have a section for men on our names website when it is finally up and running. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Something that has surprised me lately is that I am receiving more and more name requests from men….. I think it is great. I feel sorry for the guys. I really do.

    Thinking of you both Heather 🙂

    Love to you


  2. Kristi said

    Hear, hear!! I’m praying for encouragement and strength for you both. I hope that whatever decision you do make in regards to continuing down the path you’re on will get easier for you, as DH continues to open up and share his feelings. The dynamic between men and women, especially dealing with a loss, is so hard for me to get my head around sometimes. I wish that society was different in that it wasn’t ingrained in men to be “tough” and not show their feelings. I know God will help you through this!

  3. Amanda said

    For me it was the first time we visited his parents after we lost the boys. DH was showing pictures we had taken recently on the digital camera when he got to one that hadn’t been downloaded – one of the last pictures of me pregnant. He just started crying buckets! We talked afterwards and he said it was partly because when he was with his parents, he was safe to be a little boy again. When it is just the two of us, he has to be strong for my sake.

    I’m learning a lot about my husband through our TTC journey. I admire his strength (even if sometimes it gets on my nerves).

RSS feed for comments on this post · TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: