Archive for July, 2009

Bringing It All Back

After towelling myself dry, I leaned down to pull out my lotion.  Discovering my favorite one empty, I reached back just a little further … pulling out the first one I could grab.  Because honestly, this pregnant body wasn’t going to reach the back of the cabinet.

Looking at what I grabbed, I was taken back in time.  It was the lotion that I used while pregnant with the girls.  I loved it.  After losing them, I put it away … and really haven’t pulled it out since.  Without too much though, I decided I would use it anyways. 

Honestly, the memories surprised me in their intensity.  The smell took me back in a way nothing else can these days … memories of our ultrasound, of my last trip with them in my belly, memories of the day they died.

As most memories of the girls are, these were bittersweet.  Wonderful to remember them, still so hard to know they could have been here.  I left the lotion on for the day, but that evening wrapped up the bottle and put it in their memory box.  It makes me feel better to know that whenever they feel far away, a simple smell can bring it all back …


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30 Weeks

Monkey and Me - 30 weeks

The picture to go along with the last post.  I was waiting for “the” day – the one where I looked all put together.  I finally gave up though … really, this is what I look like every day 🙂  Hair curly from the heat, and my wonderful elastic cotton pants.  Thank goodness for those!

As you can see, Monkey continues to grow straight outwards.  10 more weeks of growth will barely fit in my camera screen.  If it wasn’t for our past, I think vanity would be starting to get me worried about what I will look like at the end … but my perspective has definitely changed.  Every time I realize that I have grown I get a dorky smile … each inch means Monkey is still healthy and growing.  If I have to pull out a wheely cart for my belly by the end, so be it!

In other news, I am going to be taking a small break from blogging.  We have a trip coming up, and honestly, I just need to step away from everything again.  Strange how I seem to need that every once in a while.  I will be back in a couple of weeks …

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Bouncy Castles, Alienesque Beings, and Other Thoughts on 30 weeks

I can’t believe that we have almost hit the 30 week mark in this pregnancy – just a few days away.  In so many ways it seems like it has arrived ridiculously quick, although in many others it feels as though I have been pregnant forever (oh wait, that’s right, I have been pregnant for the better part of 2 years).

Last week I was in for the Gestational Diabetes test.  I found it strange to do it for the first time … I feel like I have done pregnancy a lot, doing a test for the first time seemed a bit bizarre.  I am guessing it went well, since it has been over a week and no one has frantically called, asking me to return for the 3 hour version.   The sugary drink definitely gave us a caution about this child though.  For the next 24 hours, my stomach could only be described as a bouncy castle for Monkey – the movements the outside made were incredible, the feelings on the inside, I could have done without 😉  It led to a minor freak-out session on my part when Monkey calmed back down to normal too … took me a day to readjust to the “normal” activity level.  I was quite proud that I didn’t just march on over to the hospital in full panic.

I have been meaning to write for a couple days, but was planning on getting a stomach picture to go along with the post … after three days though, I figure it isn’t going to happen so I may as well just write.  The stomach is definitely launching forward these days though, hard to believe it has 10 more weeks of growth left in it.  My belly button certainly is a sight to behold – it is a creature in it’s own right.  DH and I mock it nightly.

As has been the case with so many points in this pregnancy, as we near 30 weeks, I find myself deep in thought often.  It really is strange to be hitting marks that we haven’t hit before … and as we do, I am realizing that we are not altogether prepared for labour, delivery, and bringing home a baby.  Yes, we have the stuff.  Yes, it is what we have been longing for for the past several years.  But I find myself getting nervous.  I feel a bit like a veteran at this pregnancy thing … but soon we will begin hitting things for the first time. 

Fingers crossed, labour will bring about a live baby.  One which will come home with us.  One that will need to be fed, changed, loved, and parented.  Absolutely thrilling, but terrifying all at the same time.

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Difference in Perspective

A friend of mine had a pre-term labour scare this past week … at 33 weeks pregnant she ended up in labour.  It was stopped, and things look great with her little bean, but it was understandably an experience that shook her up a bit.  Not to belittle the experience (because I am sure it would be a horrible feeling), but one thing she said really stood out …

“I breathed a sigh of relief when the nurse told me that babies born at 33 weeks survive.”  It caused me to pause – and realize how different perspectives can be.  At 24 weeks, we celebrated – Monkey would be given a fighting chance.  At 28 weeks, I was thrilled – survival rates hover at around 90%.   Next milestone is 32 weeks – when the chance of long term disabilities goes down significantly.  It seemed strange to me that not everyone works towards these same goals … that some don’t even know the stats.  How different perspective can be …


We met with our Doula last week as well – for an initial meeting as well as to see if we are a good fit.  When discussing our birth plan, I was very bluntly honest with her.  My plan – “a live baby”.  While I would love to see labour be a positive, natural affair (hence bringing a Doula into the equation along with our doctor), I am more than ready to accept any level of intervention needed to bring Monkey into the world.  I could tell we were a good fit when our Doula told me that I was a refreshing change from the usual – that understanding live babies are the goal is a great place to be.  Again though, it’s all about perspective.  Somehow c-sections and epidurals don’t seem to be such big deals anymore …

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