Walking Away

I never wanted to be that woman … the one whose journey I followed daily until she abandoned her blog shortly after her rainbow baby was born.  “Don’t Go”, I wanted to yell – I need to know it will be okay.  I want to know what it is like on the other side.

But I find myself there.  Slowly my blog is dying.  I just have less to say these days.  This blog was my grief blog, my safe space to talk about the girls.  Yet somehow, as Monkey grows, I feel better incorporating them completely into my life.  I include them in conversation more, I speak their names out loud, I share my grief with others.  I think it is that I am finally strong enough to weather the blank stares, awkward pauses, and incorrect words as people stumble through what to do and say.

And so, I find this space becoming increasingly neglected.  I still follow each of your blogs … I love hearing everyones’ words and stories.  But I find mine lacking.

I have kept pushing off the inevitable, thinking maybe it was just for a short time.  But it isn’t.  And so, I am walking away from this space.  I don’t know that I will be gone forever … in fact, I anticipate there will be times where I will return.  But they will be few and far between.

Thank you so much for following me on my journey, for cheering me on, for holding onto my hope when I didn’t have the strength.  I will continue to follow you … and one day, I may return to this space.  

But for now, I am going offline for awhile.  Me and my little brown-eyed man have some serious playing to do.

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11 Comments »

  1. Kara's Mom said

    Enjoy your time with your beautiful little guy. He is absoultely a gorgeous baby! We will miss you and look forward to your updates, no matter how few and far in between. xxoo

  2. Amanda said

    I’m sad to read this post, but understand completely. You were always a few months ahead of me, and as my own rainbow baby grew, I was watching here from the sidelines as you worked your way through the emotions of fear, hope and, eventually, joy. Thanks for sharing with us, it was a pleasure.

  3. Jamie said

    Enjoy that play date!

    You will be missed. I hope to see an update every so often! I also hope some day we are able to get our birthday babies together. You never know . . .

  4. Sally said

    Oh I’m so sad to read this, but I totally understand. If you’re on the dreaded FB, look me up! I’d love to stay up to date with Monkey!
    Lots of love to you,
    Sally

  5. Susi said

    So sad to read that you have come to end over here, but totally understand. I have been reading your story for quite a while and anxiously awaited the birth of your little monkey. And then I kept on reading and reading because I needed to know that there is a happy ending for someone who has lost so much. When learnt that i was expecting again, I kept on reminding myself that other baby lost moms like you have brought home a healthy happy baby.

    Thank you for pouring out your heart and for giving me the hope and strenght to get through my pregnancy with my little man.

    Hugs,
    Susi

  6. Dre said

    Play away! I wish you all the best!

  7. Oh, I just want to squeeze those sweet cheeks 🙂
    I teared up a little reading this, as I will desperately miss you. I always felt a connection; even our dates are similar! But I understand and wish you the absolute best and all the happiness you deserve. I hope you have the most incredibly wonderful time playing with your brown-eyed boy.
    Many ((hugs))

  8. Brenna said

    I understand. I’ve come so close to writing a similar post–though my boy who should be brown-eyed is still mysteriously BLUE! At any rate, I’ve enjoyed following your story and wish you all the happiness in the world. Have fun kissing all over those positively edible-looking cheeks. 🙂

  9. wopchr said

    I just want to thank you, seriously, for sharing your story-you have helped me BEYOND belief-I, like Bluebird said, have just always felt a connection to you. You have given me so much hope, and as I sit here 9 days from my due date I keep telling myself, it’s going to be ok-it can be ok.
    Thank you so, so much-
    and I’m on the dreaded fb, too, if you’re open to that, I’d love to keep seeing pictures of the babe 🙂

  10. Rebekah said

    Play away!! I’m glad you are able share the girls with those who surround you from day to day. You say that you always wanted to tell people that you need to know it will be okay… I think you have shown that to those who may come across your site who are just beginning to walk this path. You have shown that we will never forget our babies but it’s ok to love again 🙂 I look forward to the few and far between posts you share!!

  11. jan said

    Life goes on and you are doing great. Enjoy that beautiful baby!

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