Rumaging Through My Memories

In the next couple weeks, I will be writing several pieces for an online magazine – each piece dealing with some aspect of loss/grief.  In order to put one of the pieces together, I found myself searching through the archives of my blogs … into posts written in the months after losing Avery and Sophie.

To be honest, I haven’t reread those posts … ever.  Even though they are my words, and my thoughts … it seemed too raw of a pain too read, and like it would open up too many wounds.

So it was with hesitation that I delved into November and December of 2007 archives.  And I admit, I was a little surprised.  Although it is my story, I felt a little like an outsider.  I wept when I read the post I wrote two days after we lost them, tears ran down my face as I saw my words that first Christmas … but the rawness was long gone. 

It is strange this journey of grief.  Even the days when my breath catches, and the tears come, well, I am realizing just how far away it is from the initial pain.  The process of healing is slow, but that is exactly what it is … healing.  And I have been caught a little by surprise. 

No, I will never be the same.  No, I will never leave tear-free.  No, I will never hold my baby girls on this side of heaven.  I am scarred.  But slowly and surely, my heart has put itself back together again.  Differently, but together.

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4 Comments »

  1. caitsmom said

    Makes sense, when reading my old posts, I have a similar reaction. Outside looking in, but sometimes, it’s a hook to drag myself back in time to feel and remember my feelings. It’s also a nice cure for “revisionist” memory!

  2. Kara's Mom said

    wow – intersting post. Sometimes I feel like I can just conjure up those acute grief feelings that I felt in the first few months, especially, after losing Kara. But I bet if I went back and read my blog posts, I would be floored at how far I’ve come. Which is scary. Which means I’ll always live with this grief deep inside me. I am very emotional right now, being 5 weeks out from my new due date, so now is not a good time. But eventually, I will re-read my old posts and see how far I’ve actually come.

  3. Sally said

    I’m not sure I’m brave enough to go back and read my old stuff. One day maybe, but not now.

    xo

  4. Rebekah said

    I understand- I don’t always see how far I am from the initial pain but the healing has come.

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