Identity

At one point in time, I knew precisely who I was.  Anyone asked, I had a response – split second, no delay.

Then came the desire to have kids (and yes, for the sake of writing a post, not a novel I am oversimplifying).  A couple of years passed between me being ready to start a family and DH feeling the same way.  Finally, we got on the same page.

You know the story from there.  Pregnancy, baby loss, more pregnancy and loss … and 2 1/2 years after we were on the same page, Kai was born. 

For those years, pregnancy and babies fairly consumed me.  I tried not to let it, and I probably would have denied it if you had asked, but so much of me was devoted to grief, longing, and the desire to hold a baby in my arms.

Once Kai was born, well, along with still dealing with the loss of our girls, I now had a newborn to care for.  Mommyhood became fairly all-consuming.

And now?  Well, Kai isn’t quite so demanding of my time and energy anymore.  I am getting more sleep, and to be honest?  He is happy for hours playing in a laundry basket 🙂 (Not that I leave him neglected in his basket for hours on end). 

And I am left to ponder my identity.  Who am I now?  I know I am not the same person – I have added and taken away parts of me since that time long ago.  It is strange, in a way, I feel like I am back in my early 20s – rediscovering me.  Except this time “me” has a few more edges, a few more scars, a little more complexity to sort out.

Hence the blog silence … I am trying to figure out me.  Who am I, what I have to say, my place in the blogosphere.  Feeling a bit like a broken record, I have been here before … and I know many others are “here” as well. 

Thinking, pondering, and trying to figure it all out.

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4 Comments »

  1. Sally said

    Yep. Me too.

  2. Jamie said

    It is an odd feeling. Even with a 7 month old, I still identify more with miscarriage than being a Mom.

    I’ll have to try the laundry basket trick!

  3. Kara's Mom said

    I’m still having trouble with my pregnancy and how it affects my baby-loss identity, and my IF-identity. We will be her for you, listening and supporting you no matter what.

  4. jan said

    You will have a Happy Mother’s Day this year!

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