At one point in time, I knew precisely who I was.  Anyone asked, I had a response – split second, no delay.

Then came the desire to have kids (and yes, for the sake of writing a post, not a novel I am oversimplifying).  A couple of years passed between me being ready to start a family and DH feeling the same way.  Finally, we got on the same page.

You know the story from there.  Pregnancy, baby loss, more pregnancy and loss … and 2 1/2 years after we were on the same page, Kai was born. 

For those years, pregnancy and babies fairly consumed me.  I tried not to let it, and I probably would have denied it if you had asked, but so much of me was devoted to grief, longing, and the desire to hold a baby in my arms.

Once Kai was born, well, along with still dealing with the loss of our girls, I now had a newborn to care for.  Mommyhood became fairly all-consuming.

And now?  Well, Kai isn’t quite so demanding of my time and energy anymore.  I am getting more sleep, and to be honest?  He is happy for hours playing in a laundry basket 🙂 (Not that I leave him neglected in his basket for hours on end). 

And I am left to ponder my identity.  Who am I now?  I know I am not the same person – I have added and taken away parts of me since that time long ago.  It is strange, in a way, I feel like I am back in my early 20s – rediscovering me.  Except this time “me” has a few more edges, a few more scars, a little more complexity to sort out.

Hence the blog silence … I am trying to figure out me.  Who am I, what I have to say, my place in the blogosphere.  Feeling a bit like a broken record, I have been here before … and I know many others are “here” as well. 

Thinking, pondering, and trying to figure it all out.



  1. Sally said

    Yep. Me too.

  2. Jamie said

    It is an odd feeling. Even with a 7 month old, I still identify more with miscarriage than being a Mom.

    I’ll have to try the laundry basket trick!

  3. Kara's Mom said

    I’m still having trouble with my pregnancy and how it affects my baby-loss identity, and my IF-identity. We will be her for you, listening and supporting you no matter what.

  4. jan said

    You will have a Happy Mother’s Day this year!

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