Compounding Guilt

I think a trait common to all mothers is the “mommy guilt” that is bound to be faced.  A phenomenon known only to mothers (really, I have yet to see a dad who ponders the long-term effects of 1/2 hour of TV quite like a mom will), it can turn even the most logical woman into a shivering ball of “what have I done, what will I do, how have I damaged my baby?” – dom.

I am  starting to recognize just how badly babyloss (and although I am not speaking from personal experience, I am guessing infertility as well) compounds this guilt.

Between colds, ear infections, teething, and just a general lack of desire to sleep Kai has been a wee bit needier than normal these past few weeks.  And by wee bit, I mean a ton.  Each night I find myself lying in bed, reviewing the day, racked by guilt over the hugs and kisses I didn’t give, the times I wished he would just nap a little bit longer … you get the point.

I sit and remember all the times I wished for the sleepless nights, the screaming babe, the spit-covered clothes.  I ponder how I might have messed him up, yes, but I also think of how lucky I am – and how in no way should I have any negative thoughts.  And I feel extra guilty.

But I know that even amidst all my thoughts I still wouldn’t trade him for the world.  He means everything to me, and I wouldn’t give him up for anything.  I know that we are doing the best we can.  I know he will grow up knowing we love him, and that despite our numerous mistakes along the way, that he will turn out just fine.

But still, when I lie in bed at night, I find the guilt creeping in … and the extra guilt piling on top.  And in those moments I find it hard to think of all I know, and instead think of what I feel.  And I wish that there was a way to make all the guilt go away.

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3 Comments »

  1. Sally said

    Oh, you are speaking my language again!! I think Angus is teething. And he has a cold. And he’s not sleeping. And we’re super exhausted.
    But yet, we’re so happy, because this is of course what we wanted. But sheesh, you can just never imagine it until it happens to you, can you?
    Feeling guilty right along side you.
    xo

  2. Christy W said

    ah, guilt. I’m not familiar with the living child type quite yet, but the word itself makes me shudder. As I read blogs of ladies who have their rainbow babies, I can tell we all are trying so hard not to complain, to feel bad, to get stressed out, because we SO appreciate it-we have been through the “you don’t know what you had until it’s gone”. But the truth is, it’s hard! Pregnancy is hard ,motherhood is sooooo hard (so I’ve heard :). I think all it means is that you are an amazing, amazing mother 🙂

  3. Sharon said

    First time visitor. I just wanted to say I have felt the same so many times too. Sometimes I just look at him and have the biggest guilt for when I don’t play with hime enough or spend enough time with him because I have wanted to watch something on TV or even being on the computer for that bit longer than I should. Even when he is teething or not well I just feel bad because I can’t make it better for him.

    So your not on your own, but we do our best for something that is all new and unknown.

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