Baby-Loss Parenting

Lately I find myself wondering what kind of parents DH and I would have been without losing the girls before Kai.  If our twins had survived, how would we have done things differently?

I know that at the core, we would have been the same.  We would have still loved our kids to death, wanted the best for them, been focused on making the best life possible.

But I also know that it would have been different.  Case in point (or in four) –

  • I didn’t read a single parenting book before Kai was born.  To this day, I have still read very few.  Why?  To be honest, it seemed inconsequential … live baby was the goal, the rest was just icing.  I know I would have been a book junkie with the twins.
  • For the last several months, we have struggled with sleep issues with Kai.  Despite this, I can’t bring myself to regret holding him while he slept for the first three months of his life.  I still don’t regret it for a single minute, even the ones at 4:00am.  And yet, I think that I would have sung a different tune on this if our twins had survived.  I imagine I would have been a schedule/sleep routine junky.  Neither is bad … just different.
  • I smother my baby in smooches all day long, carry him around like a little Monkey baby, and generally cater to most of his desires – even if it is to sing “Down by the Bay” in a deep voice while jiggling his toes YET again.  Many people question this approach, deeming it a sure way to spoil my little man.  To be honest, at this point, I don’t care even if it does.  He is here.  Period.   I will enjoy all the moments.  I think that if I hadn’t experienced loss, I probably would have stressed out more about spoiling kids … worried more about long-term consequences. 
  • No matter how frustrating the day is, at the end of it, I tiptoe into Kai’s room and plant at least one more kiss on his baby forehead, whispering “Mama Loves You” into his subconscious.  This I believe I still would have done, but there probably wouldn’t have been the tears that often fall when I do it now … I just feel so blessed to be able to do it at all.

Honestly, I am not even sure what the point of this post is.  It isn’t that one way is better or worse, or that I can measure the differences … it is more just that I have wondered … knowing that we are different because of our loss.



  1. Donna said

    I know I am a very different parent now than I would have been before too. I think in some ways I am much more relaxed. I can be a stickler for routines too! But now I’d much rather sit and hold my little man if he falls asleep in my arms. I agree 100% who cares if he’s spoiled!

  2. I imagine I’ll be much the same way if/when the time comes 🙂 I joke about it and laughingly reference my “baggage” – as if the things you describe are *bad* things. But I am so looking forward to it. I’m a different person, that’s all. I can’t say that I would cherish this one any more than the twins because that’s certainly not the case. . . but I definitely see myself spending more time just being and enjoying with him than I probably would have allowed myself to do otherwise.

  3. jan said

    Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!
    He’s beautiful.

  4. sally said

    I feel exactly the same way. On all of these dot points!


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