On Gender

Because of where we live, we were unable to find out Monkey’s gender while pregnant.  Although we would have liked to know, it wasn’t a huge deal to us as “live” was the ultimate goal … anything beyond, a bonus.

Throughout the pregnancy though, I really felt Monkey was a girl.  Probably due to the similarities in the pregnancy to the twins, combined with having lost girls … I don’t know what exactly, but strongly felt that way.

Enough so that we were both surprised when it was announced that we had a boy.  That said, aside from a brief moment of surprise, we were both nothing but ecstatic.

And Kai is certainly all boy. See?

And I love every bit of him.  But yet, in the last couple weeks, I have started to wonder what it would have been like to have a girl.  I wonder if we will ever have the opportunity to put bows in hair, and dress a baby all in pink.  I think about the things he won’t do (or probably not anyways) that a little girl would have. 

It’s strange.  We are so fully content with him – and I love his “boyness”.  But like so many other things, there will always be the whispers in my brain – the “what ifs”.  Strange how something that really doesn’t matter at all can still be present.



  1. Bree said

    I get that. I’m having vibes that I’m carrying a boy. Of course, I just want it to live. But, I’m starting to mourn the things I would have done with my little girl. Funny because when I was pregnant with Ella, I wanted a boy. I guess I just want to know that someday I’ll have another little girl in my arms. Kai is adorable.

  2. Christy W said

    Kai is so beautiful. I lost boy/girl twins and my mom is certain I have a girl but I feel all these boy vibes. I am with you-just alive will do. But there is something special about having a little girl, I think, for me because I’m such good friends with my mom. I want to pass that on. Like you said-alive. But I can see how the phrase “gender disappointment” takes on a whole new meaning when you’ve lost a baby (babies).

  3. Sally said

    Oh yes, same here. I also thought I was having a boy when I had Hope. And had sort of wanted a boy. But then a girl. And she was gone. Now I have my boy, I do wonder whether I’ll ever get another little girl. I really hope I do. And you, too.

  4. Rebekah said

    It’s interesting to hear things from this perspective. I too just have the ultimate goal of ‘live’ but I admit, I breathed a sigh of relief when they told me this baby is a girl. I think I worry that I’ll compare the baby to Levi too much. I’d love another boy but I think having a girl in between will help with the emotional side of things. (not that I’ll have any choice next time either)

  5. klboone212 said

    Don’t feel you can’t blog your true feelings. I do have to say, being a mom whose lost a baby, seeing your blog and seeing that there really is light at the end of this dark tunnel of grief is reassuring. Knowing that in the end things can go right for once makes me smile and gives me hope. So share away!

    I’m also in the same emotional boat. I’m 23 weeks pregnant with a Girl. We lost our son at 39 weeks. I’m so excited to have a girl yet the what ifs of what we would be doing with our precious baby boy constantly crosses my mind and sometimes i feel so guilty!!

    What a roller coaster ride!

  6. Jamie said

    It would be impossible not to think of the ‘what ifs.’ Sometimes I feel like Cade is the baby I was ~meant~ to have, but I still mourn the loss of the others. I have a good friend who had a baby the week before my first baby would have been born. She just had her second baby about three weeks ago. I can’t help but watch her and imagine that as my life.

    I think you are doing it right – the girls will never leave you but that doesn’t mean you don’t love every ounce of your boy and his ‘boy-ness’!

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