Losing One’s Voice

Sorry for the sparse blogging over here.  Like many baby-loss mommas, I have found myself at a bit of a loss for words with the arrival of Kai. 

On one hand, I still have experienced the loss of Avery and Sophie, and I believe it makes me a drastically different person than I would have been without losing the girls.  It affects the way I think, the way I act, and the way I treat others.  They imprinted on my heart … no other children will ever take that away.

But on the other, I now have Kai … and am experiencing the joys and trials of having a small son.  I feel hesitant to share either here – the joys because I know the pain they can cause, and the trials because I don’t want to seem ungrateful.  Everyday, I thank God for our Monkey … but everyday I go to bed feeling guilty that I wasn’t able to give more, that I had negative thoughts, that I was frustrated with him for one thing or another.

I feel as though I have lost my voice, and am unsure how to continue … or whether I even should. 

No answers today, just a bunch of rambly thoughts.

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4 Comments »

  1. Brenna said

    I understand. My blog has also rambled from infertility to child loss to pregnancy after child loss…to hopefully bringing home a little guy of our own in January! The way I see it, your voice is uniquely your voice, and your journey is your own to share (or not share) as you choose. Those of us who’ve enjoyed following you will either continue to do so as our paths converge and diverge, or potentially take a break or move on if it becomes painful. Personally I’ve never been offended by someone who stops reading my blog, because there are so many reasons to read (or not read)–if hearing about a child or a pregnancy is painful, I understand completely because I’ve been there, you know? But I hope you continue to share your joy, and your sorrows, here–I’ve enjoyed following you.

  2. jan said

    Looks like you are experiencing the typical feelings around a new baby. There are lots of ups and downs but hang in there they grow up so very fast!

  3. Jamie said

    I have been struggling with those same thoughts myself. I feel still identify with pregnancy loss rather than motherhood. Don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and don’t want to seem ungrateful.

    I hope you continue to write. It is a relief to know I am not the only one who struggles with those feelings.

  4. Sally said

    Oh Heather,I hear you. Loud and clear. I have gone silent for all the same reasons. Email me if you want.
    xo

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