A Mixed Bag

It’s interesting.  Since Kai’s birth, I have spent more time thinking about the girls than I probably did the entire pregnancy.  Every milestone he reaches I wonder about Avery and Sophie – would their smiles have looked the same?  Would they have lifted their heads from birth like their brother?  Fought sleep as hard as him?  Had the same sweet coos?  Or would they have been completely different?

I look at him, and wonder at what could have been with them.  I see toddlers that had the same due date – it’s crazy to imagine that they would have been nearly two.  Kai gives me the tangible reality of what might have happened with Avery and Sophie … it’s something that is more sweet than bitter, but something that is unique none-the-less.

And yet, at the same time, it is impossible not to mention the incredible healing that has occurred with Kai’s birth.  He has given us back our lost parenthood.  As I smell the sweet baby smell, and feel his comfortable weight in my arms, there is a healing in my heart.

As November 12th approaches, it is much different than last year.  On one hand, I am realizing more poignantly what we lost out on with the girls, but on the other – and much heavier weighing hand – the wounds are not as raw, the pain not as intense.  I hold the girls’ little brother this year … and that is a precious, precious gift.




  1. Our twins have the same birthday 😉 I never realized that before. I will be remembering yours as I remember my own.

    I so enjoy reading your musings on life now, I have my fingers crossed that it is a glimpse into my own future. I can understand and anticipate that the milestones are very surreal – reminders on what could have been or might have been. I think about such things myself already, except in my general and abstract ways. . . for example, if we’re blessed to bring home a baby girl, for example, and she’s pure princess – would her sister have been a tomboy? Who kows.

    My heart is so full with joy for the healing you have experienced and for the incredible gift you have in the girls’ brother.

  2. Sally said

    Such a precious smile…..

  3. Brenna said

    I can imagine the joy of watching Kai grow and develop while at the same time feeling sorrow for the milestones you never got to experience with Avery and Sophie. What a poignant post.

    Your sweet Kai has a precious smile!

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