The Difference

Walking into our local coffee shop yesterday, I ended up in a conversation with the woman behind the counter.  She was excited to hear about Kai’s birth and remarked on the fact that I “didn’t even look like I had been pregnant”.  She followed up with “but I guess that happens with your first.”

I walked away pondering her statements.  First and foremost, I wanted to mention that no, he isn’t my first.  But I didn’t.  It wouldn’t have fit, and it was besides the point.  But it still stung a little.  As much as I am thrilled with my son, he has two sisters who aren’t here.  And with November just around the corner, they are heavy on my heart. 

On the other hand, there was a part of me that was proud … three children in and my body is still bouncing back.  How different that feeling was than two years ago, when I hated my body for betraying me by looking the “same as before” within weeks.

I find it strange to balance so much joy with the remnants of the pain of loss.  Please don’t misunderstand, we are loving having Kai here … enjoying all the moments, it is just different from what I thought bringing home a baby would be.



  1. Sally said

    Look forward to hearing more about what life is like on the other side. I’m not far away now.

  2. LuckyOnce said

    It’s so understandable to feel the way that you are. I hope that Kai helps you to get through a potentially very difficult November.

  3. Sweet girl, it fills me with warmth to read your posts. I can’t believe your little man is a month old already! He’s absolutely adorable, and clearly you’re adorable too 😉

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