Remembering and 39 Weeks

A year ago yesterday, we were given the news that “Bug” was not viable – there would be no April baby to make the month less painful.  It’s hard to believe that we are finally where we are at now … short days away from Monkey’s arrival.

The date added a bit to what I have termed my “survivor’s guilt”.  As someone who has made it through pregnancy loss several times over, I am struggling with my feelings as I reach the end of this pregnancy.  Like others at 39 weeks, I am getting uncomfortable – Monkey has dropped, feeling a little like a bowling ball between my legs, little arms and legs poke me from all sides, and none of my clothes still fit.  I am ready to be done this pregnancy … and for that, I feel guilty.  I know I should just be thankful for every single moment of it, but these days it is a bit tough.

Additionally, I realized that where others at this point of pregnancies begin chanting “there’s a baby at the end … it will be worth it”, I am still having trouble believing that.  In some ways, I think it makes the end of a pregnancy that much tougher.  My head knows the odds are definitely in our favour right now, and I continue to work on that positive thinking … BUT, I still know what can happen.  Monkey is still not a certainty, just a very large, wiggly hope in my belly.

Honestly, Monkey’s birthday can’t come fast enough right now.  I can’t wait to hold this little bundle – I so desperately want the chance to discover his/her personality, look into the eyes I have been dreaming of, smell the top of a misshapen head after birth.  Each day I wake up hoping that maybe today will be the day that Monkey arrives … one of them soon will have to be 🙂

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8 Comments »

  1. Jamie said

    I am also having a difficult time believing we will come home with a real, live baby.

    And, as much as I am ready to meet him, I think I will be a little sad to not have him with me ALL the time.

    These feelings would be complicated anyway – even without all the hormones invovled!! Every time you have a new post, I think maybe this will be the one announcing Monkey’s arrival. It will be soon!!

  2. Sally said

    I can relate to everything you write. Just today, I’m very much wishing I was 39 weeks, not 29 weeks! Tell me these last ten weeks go fast, please?? (Again, feeling very lucky and not wanting to wish it away – just wanting to get to the live, screaming, pink, take-home baby part).
    I can’t wait for your next post – I’m hoping the next one has the BIG news!
    xo

  3. caitsmom said

    Just sending hopes that all continues to go well and you see your precious monkey soon. Peace.

  4. Karen said

    I am soooooooooooooooooo praying for you!……blessings,Karen

  5. Carly K. said

    Just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers!

  6. Christy W said

    I can’t wait to click on here to see beautiful photos and a birth announcement. Please don’t feel guilty about feeling ready to meet your little one. Yes, it is all worth it, but yes-it’s hard. Pregnancy is difficult and we KNOW you don’t take it for granted in the least. This is your place to say what’s up and we’re here to help you through 🙂
    xx

  7. There’s part of me who just wants to fall asleep and wake up at the end – whatever it holds!

    I can’t wait for you to meet sweet Monkey. But that doesn’t mean that the “getting there” is easy. Thinking of you. . .

  8. Carly said

    Heather.

    I am hoping,praying, wishing and willing for you in these next couple of weeks.

    May you be surrounded in peace in these days before your meet your precious baby.

    Love to you xxx

    Carly x

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