Impostor

There are many things that I have been surprised to find I am able to do – I have bought a bunch of baby goods online, painted and started to set up the nursery (due to the furniture coming early – thanks to our friends!), research maternity and paternity leaves online.

But where a lot of interaction with others is required, baby related activities continue to stall.  I still feel like an impostor.  When I post belly pictures, I feel like someone will call me on the fact that it is really a ball under my shirt, not a baby.  I buy baby items online, not in the baby stores.  And I need to call to book space in a prenatal class … but haven’t … and can’t seem to.  It’s been on the to-do list for several weeks, but I can’t make the call.  Somehow it feels like someone will point out that I don’t belong if I do actually make the call.

I find it a little odd that having lost babies creates this feeling in me – and yet, I know that other women pregnant after loss have it to.  But I wonder – why do I still feel odd answering when people ask when I am due, why can I still not imagine holding my own baby when holding someone elses’ newborn.

And I wonder what it will take for this feeling to change …

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4 Comments »

  1. Sally said

    I do baby things in private now. I buy things alone, daydream alone. A friend tried to give me a whole heap of baby stuff yesterday. I froze. She said she wouldn’t need it anymore, but I wasn’t sure if I’d ever need it. I smiled and thanked her, but said to hang on to it until November. I can wait.

  2. Jamie said

    I am more comfortable dreaming of our baby in private and planning for him in private than I am sharing with others. I still feel like an imposter myself when people want to talk about my pregnancy. I feel I am forever changed by my miscarriages.

  3. You know, I wonder if it will change until you hold that sweet baby in your arms, all warm and rosy and full of life? I think lost baby moms are in such a strange middle place – we know so much, about pregnancy, and labor and delivery, and we’ve read B.aby B.argains 🙂 But – there’s still that prenatal class to take. I’ll be honest, if I’m pregnant again – I don’t know if I will sign up for that class! It would seem to weird.

    FWIW, I think you’re doing beautifully walking the line between these two realities. You seem to be celebrating and loving your child, and that’s absolutely all anyone can expect you to do.

  4. minnow said

    My youngest is 4 and the next one up is 14. They have 3 older brothers with a bit of space between #2 and #3. Most see our family and think or say “my what a big family you have” or they notice the ten year difference betwee the last two and think or say, “Oh, you have a caboose”. What most don’t know is that five might have been ten and I do indeed have a very big family. You are brave even though I’m sure you don’t always feel very brave. And you are no imposter, though I definately understand feeling that you are. I happened on your blog a few months back. Thank you for sharing this space and your head and the journey you are on. Peace and prayers, Minnow

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