The “Father-To-Be” Card

First off, thanks for your words of encouragement and/or advice … a few things to think about.  The most important reminder – I can’t change the outcome of the future, worrying won’t help.  For some reason I need to be reminded of that every once in a while … and it usually helps puts things back in focus.

Onto to subject at hand – the “Father-to-Be” card.  A brief disclaimer on this – don’t get me wrong, the thoughtfulness of those that sent them is truly appreciated.  I know that both DH and I felt special that people thought of Monkey and us on Father’s Day.

That said though, watching DH open them was a painful reminder today of what could have been, what isn’t, and what is – but is not spoken about.  Just as there are many women wandering the desert between “mother” and “non-mothers” there are men wandering in that same place … but for them, it isn’t nearly as talked about, or as open as place.

DH is already a father – although not in the classic taking care of babies, playing with toddlers, disciplining unruly teens kind of way.  Instead, it is only in the heart wrenching, knowing what it means to have your heart outside your body and watch it being crushed as you leave you babies at the hospital kind of way.  The holding your wife as she cries learning there is no heartbeat kind of way.  The carefully balancing excitement with fear throughout a new pregnancy kind of way.

But he is a father.  And instead of year two of Father’s Day cards … this years’ probably mauled by two sets of toddler hands, he received Father-to-Be cards.  So thoughtful, but so painful at the same time.



  1. Sally said

    Ouch, that really stings. I’m so sorry your parenthood is invisible right now. I wish people would just understand. I hope your hubby had a good day yesterday. Thinking of all the Daddies who only get to parent their babies in their hearts.

  2. Jamie said

    Yes – thoughtful but painful. I am sure your friends and family just wanted you to know they were thinking of you but don’t quite know how to acknowledge your loss of the twins. It is heartbreaking.


  3. Carly said

    Heather, thinking of you both. I am so sorry for such a day.

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