Anxiety Building

The last several weeks, I have had a feeling of underlying anxiety.  At first I barely noticed it, but as the weeks have gone by, it has grown to a fairly noticeable level.

After a mild emotional breakdown, DH and I were talking through what it could be.  After much thought I realized exactly what it is … Life is good.  Among many other things, both DH and I are enjoying our jobs, Monkey is still growing, summer is finally here, our financial situation is more stable than most, and we are looking forward to a great couple months of visitors before I get ready to head off on mat leave.  Life is good.

And it is getting to me.  Between losing the girls in November of 2007 and July of last year, the phrase that most accurately describes our lives was hellish.  Even from then through Marchish of this year has been at best difficult.  But it is now good … and as someone who has experienced a decent amount of heartache, it makes me nervous.  There is a part of me just waiting for the ball to drop, for something to happen, for someone to steal my happiness away.

I feel as though I don’t have a right to be happy – I am not one of those people.  Trust me, I know that is inaccurate, life doesn’t work that way, but it is the way I feel right now, and the anxiety is mounting.  And I am not sure how to reconcile this happiness with our past, with the knowledge I have. 

I don’t think it is fair to myself, DH, or Monkey to be in this state … to allow myself to hang on to the anxiety.  To be honest, I don’t know how I can manage another three months of it until Monkey’s arrival.  But I don’t know how to change it, how to help it dissipate.

Any thoughts or advice on helping work through this anxiety?  As a community who understands the feelings, I am hoping that perhaps some of you have ideas … I don’t usually write looking for advice, but I am struggling to find the answers to this one on my own.

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8 Comments »

  1. No ideas, honey, just thinking of you. But I will tell you this – my RE said to consider it doctor’s orders to get into counseling before we cycle again. Even though I personally think we’re doing okay under the circumstances – and even though she agreed! – she said that pregnancy brings up and/or amplifies so many emotions, and counseling would help me feel like I was doing something about that to help me and a future baby. Just thought I’d throw that out there 🙂 Hope others have some ideas for you! ((Hugs))

  2. Rebekah said

    I haven’t yet been in your shoes and I’m sure when I’m there my level of anxiety will be high. When the one year mark was nearing and Mother’s day was approaching I requested prayer from the masses (via facebook) and the peace I felt on those days really was an answer to prayer (leading up to those days I’ll admit I was a mess though and I don’t believe that more prayer=guaranteed answers but I felt the need to humble myself and ask others for their help). I don’t know what your beliefs are and I hope I’m not crossing any lines but I’ll be praying for you (and Monkey).
    Gardening also helps me (plus I usually pray while gardening) and there’s just something about getting the stress out while surrounded by beauty & life. Are there gardens or parks near you?
    I read over my past blogs and I feel like my life is a constant rollercoaster but in the moments I need peace the most those are some of the ways/places I’ve found it.

    Peace & love to you!

  3. Sally said

    Sorry, no advice really. That’s pretty hopeless. But I hear you on all of this. I am so afraid to rock the boat right now, while things are actually “ok”. I feel like I am in a holding pattern.

  4. Carly K. said

    Oh so sorry you have to go through this anxiety. I am a worrier, I understand what you are saying. When my husband is out on a run or something just a little longer than I though I get so scared and am ready to call a swat team. I know you understand these feelings…he is the only other member of my household still here w/ me and that is scary…we know what it is like to lose. I’ll tell you what I do to try to help. I mostly try to wear myself out because otherwise I’m up all night. Someone mentioned this, but gardening is helpful. It is a good physical activity and when you are finished you have something pretty! I also see a counselor, take long walks, talk it out w/ my husband. Nothing monumental here, but hopefully one of them will work for you. Thinking of you.

  5. Sarah said

    Reading your post, I completely related to every word… Not that my life is exceptionally good right now, but that when things are going well, I’m cringing, waiting on the other shoe to drop. I’ve often wondered — is it pessimism or realism?

    Anyway, I don’t really have any words of wisdom, but I do know that if the other shoe does indeed drop, there’s absolutely nothing we worriers can do to stop it. I’m trying to realize this every day — I can’t prepare for the “what if’s,” I can’t emotionally fortify myself “just in case,” and I can’t expect the ground to disappear from under me every time I round a curve.

    You’re doing all the right things, you’re in a good head space right now, and if you can, just embrace it and enjoy every second. You, husband, & Monkey definitely deserve this happy, peaceful time.

  6. minnow said

    I don’t think any of us “deserves” what we get. And there are always people who experience more heartache and others who experience more blessing. Yes, the other shoe will probably drop at some point. But there really isn’t any need to practice letting it drop by stealing the joy that is available to you today. (Easier said then done, I know). My prayer for you is that you find peace for your journey where ever it takes you.

  7. Jamie said

    I wish I had some advice, but I want you to know I know just how you feel. I know in my mind, it is the hormones but it is so hard to convince my heart of that. I would say 80% of the time I feel wonderful but the other 20% of that time I am so anxiety ridden about the future I feel incapacitatied. I also worry that these feelings will intensify once the baby gets here.

    Be strong and if you find something that helps ease your mind, please share.

    Thinking of you . . .

  8. agp1 said

    I can’t imagine what you must be going through, and it must be so tiring. My only recommendation would be a pregnancy after loss support group if you had one in your area and felt comfortable attending.

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