Jumbled Thoughts

I am in a very strange head-space right now.  Thoughts rip around in my head, bouncing around, regardless of how many other thoughts exist at the moment.

On one hand, I find myself beginning to attach to Monkey is a very real and exciting way.  The kicks are becoming consistent – I am beginning to be able to tell the difference between just a movement and a good kick.  My tummy has popped out enough that people don’t hesitate to ask me about my pregnancy … their enthusiasm can be contagious.  I have even braved the world of etsy, requesting a quilt to be put on hold, just in case (although I am not yet brave enough to actually purchase it!)

But on the other, in the past couple weeks, the anxiety has been creeping back in, slowly but surely, catching me off guard when I think I have finally got it beat.  Weeks 17 to 20 were when all our real memories were made of the girls.  Honestly, before that time I had been too sick to really even think about enjoying the pregnancy.  Each day I think about what our pregnancy with the girls was like at this point – the similarities and the differences.

And while it can bring joy, it also brings it’s share of fear.  I feel as though the clock is ticking … and that any day now the bomb will be dropped and Monkey will be no more.  It is difficult to fathom that Monkey may just make it farther than Avery and Sophie.

Right now the daily mind battle is huge.  Each little tweak, pain, or discomfort sends twinges of anxiety through me.  I wonder if each might be the beginning of the end.  I think it is make worse by the fact that with the girls I didn’t even realize I was in labour until my water broke and it was much too late.

I keep working on reminding myself of all the stats that are in Monkey’s favour, keep remembering the little person from the ultrasounds, and try to keep things in perspective.  There is very little I can do regardless of the outcome – I keep trying to focus on the here and now. 

But at the moment it is difficult … hence the blogland silence.  I feel like I have nothing to say, for myself or for others.  Just trying to keep my head in check.

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7 Comments »

  1. Bluebird said

    Oh honey. I don’t know how I missed so much. I got behind on my reading and clearned out my Reader but thought I was caught up . . . anyways, seems like you’ve had quite a lot going on lately and I’m sorry I’ve missed that. (Not that I think you’ve been losing sleep over it or anything!)

    I can’t imagine what a strange time this must be right now – so many emotions, I’m sure you can’t even put names on some of them! It’s times like this that the past, present, and future collide – and sometimes you feel like you’re going to be caught in the middle in an explosion!

    I’m glad you checked in. You had something to say – quite a lot to say – whether you realize it or not. ((Hugs)) sweet girl!

  2. Michelle said

    I get it. Weeks 19 and 20 were the most difficult with this pregnancy. The anxiety was practically unbearable, for most of the reasons you described. I’m still worried and anxious, but making it to 25 weeks has helped a bit. Hang in there!

  3. Carly K. said

    Oh, I am so sorry you have to feel this. The mind can drive you nuts. I think as baby loss moms we don’t get the luxury of “when,” we know too much and we have lost way too much. I know for me now I feel like I have to think “if” I have children that I get to bring home. It is heartbreaking and I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and wishing nothing but strength and peace for you and your family. You’ll be in thoughts and prayers.

  4. Jan said

    Hello – I am not sure how I came across your blog, but I wanted to lend my support and be yet another person to tell you that you are not alone. I experienced an m/c and then a loss at 20w. When I became pregnant again with twins, the anxiety almost sent me over the edge. All you can do is exactly what you are doing – try to enjoy this pregnancy as something totally and completely different from your previous pregnancy, and try to stay calm, but also recognize that these feelings of worry and stress can’t be completely banished from your mind b/c we are all shaped by our experiences, wonderful or horrible.
    Anyway, the point of this was to tell you that after everything, I was able to carry my twins full-term and they are healthy and fantastic. 🙂 I look at them every day and am just amazed that my body was able to produce them – but it was.

  5. Rebekah said

    I’m not in your shoes yet but one woman in my support group shared something that I hope will help me when we become pregnant again. She said during her second pregnancy after her loss she focused on enjoying every moment since she knew that it could be all the time she had. I know that’s easier said than done though. ((Hugs)) (And don’t be afraid to go to the doctor as much as you need to make sure things are ok)

  6. Julie said

    The mind is so hard to silence. It’s hard to convince yourself that all will be okay…when your heart feels something else. I remember with my pregnancy after losing the twins that week 22 was so tough – that was when I had lost the babies and I just kept waiting for it all to end the same way. I hope that as each day passes and you get through this time, the pain and worry will ease a little more.

    Keep rejoicing in every movement you feel from little Monkey – they will help you get through each day!! And know your girls are always with you helping you through!!!

    Hugs and prayers!!!

  7. Carly said

    I can only echo everyone else.

    Heather I am so sorry that you can’t sail through this pregnancy with a worry in the world. It isn’t fair at all.

    My love to you xxxx

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