What Could Have Been

Although there are many things that a new pregnancy does not change, one thing that has most certainly shifted is the amount of time I spend dwelling on what could have have.  I think for the most part I find it difficult to reconcile the two – what could have been is my two sweet daughters … but what is, is this brand new life.  And the two can not exist together.  In my dreams I would like them to but I know in reality they can’t.  Therefore, I tend not to think about the could haves quite as much.

This weekend though was different.  I was hit in the face with the could have beens.  Walking down our main street I saw a young mom, struggling to carry two little girls.  Two little identical girls – about a year old.  It took my breath away.  While other stared because of the twins, I stared because I saw who I could have been.  Our girls would have been about a year now – and like these twins, quite possibly would have been blond with big brown eyes. 

Everything in me wanted to stop that mom, tell her to treasure every moment, to squeeze her girls tight every night – because she is lucky to have them.  I wanted to tell her of Avery and Sophie – but knew I couldn’t.  My heart constricted thinking of our little girls, the ones we will never meet.

And yet, when I walked away, I still held a hand to my growing belly, thanking God for what we do have, right now, here, today.

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5 Comments »

  1. ((Hugs)), sweet girl. I have nothing to offer but hugs.

  2. Brenna said

    What a moment! I’m so impressed with your ability to live in the present and to be thankful for what you have (as well as for what you’ve lost, though of course I wish you didn’t have to lose anyone at all!). Keep up those positive vibes, they’re very inspirational.
    xxoo

  3. Sally said

    Well done for living in the present. This is always so hard to do.

  4. OM said

    When I read your post, I was instantly reminded of my friend who lost her nine-year-old daughter two years ago. In addition to the daughter who died, she has a now nine-year-old and a new baby. I can’t say that I’m as strong, but she says she doesn’t dwell on the ‘what-ifs’, like what her daughter would look like now, what would she study later in life, etc., etc. She sees it as her daughter was never meant to be those ages or do those things. Her life was predestined and she says it’s wasted energy to wish it otherwise. Interestingly, she oftentimes believes that the new baby holds her other daughter’s soul. So, she believes that she simply never could have both of them on earth at the same time. One had to to die for the other to live. I can’t say that I’ve gotten to that point or that I ever will, but I know it brings her peace.

  5. Leanna said

    Your story is heart breaking… I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girls.

    “And yet, when I walked away, I still held a hand to my growing belly, thanking God for what we do have, right now, here, today.” What a strong and amazing woman you are.

    xo

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