Neither Here Nor There

So I have officially “outed” myself about this pregnancy everywhere. A big step, it feels a bit strange to have everyone know I am pregnant.  Although I knew it in my head, it makes me realize just how different my journey to a child here on earth … the journey of any dead baby mama  really … truly is.

As I was at a study group yesterday morning, I got up with a discussion with a couple other women at the end.  One is pregnant with a small toddler while the other has two young children.  These two women often chat at the end of study, and I have often felt the “child”/ “no child” divide.  And yet, in a matter of a couple hours, I had seemingly crossed it.

And yet, as I stood there chatting, I realized that no, I really haven’t.  Yes, I can chat with them and excitedly talk about what could be.  But therein lies the difference.  I still talk about what could be, and what should have been – I don’t have the confidence they have.  They asked about plans once the baby comes – I just stared mouth open.  When the baby comes?  That seems a bit overconfident to me.  They talked about dealing with multiple pregnancies – I did too, but no little ones gathered at my feet.

It’s strange.  Life circumstances will continue to change.   God willing, there will be a baby to love in September.  Our lives will look different.  And yet, some things never will.  We will always be the parents of two baby girls in heaven.  And that will always set us apart.

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3 Comments »

  1. It must be so surreal.

    Just this morning I was thinking about how, if I’m pregnant again, it will just start all the awkward moments and comments all over. “Oh, is this your first pregnancy?”

    I too remember how, when I was pregnant, it was as if I automatically fit in to this new special club that never accepted me before. Those with child looked at me as worthy. Then I was kicked out of that club. And I can only imagine how strage it would feel to be back there again.

    I’m so happy that you are, though. And so excited to meet your little one in Septemner 🙂

  2. Sally said

    That must feel so hard. We will always be different. It is awful. We will never have a complete family. Keep hanging in there xo

  3. Carly said

    I am sorry that I havent been to visit you in forever.

    Life has been crazy.

    “Once the baby comes”

    Yes I didn’t believe I would get a live baby until the very moment she was born screaming. I can’t for that moment to happen to you 🙂

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