Balancing

Journeying through grief often feels like a poorly executed balancing act.  Walking the road of a new pregnancy after loss is even more so.

I feel very much as if I am walking across a tightrope, with a massive audience watching, waiting to see how I will manage.  On my right I balance grief, sorrow, and pain.  On my left is joy, excitement and hope.  Each step I take I have to balance both sides out to make sure I don’t fall.

I know I don’t want to fall to the right – I have been there and it was a dark place.  In light of the new life growing inside, I feel even more determined not to go there.  Monkey deserves far more than that!

But, as strange as it seems, I am equally as concerned about falling to the left.  Somehow falling into the joy, excitement, and hope completely is still frightening.  As a mother of two angel babies, it feels as though the world will forget them if I don’t remind them continually of their existence.

It is such a strange place to be.  Don’t get me wrong – I am still thrilled with this pregnancy, and am still doing well at living in each moment.  But I still sit back and wonder at the balancing act of it all.

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4 Comments »

  1. Bluebird said

    Although I haven’t been there, I imagine that this is an absolutely perfect illustration of pregnancy after loss. Even though I only hope of a subsequent pregnancy, I am already anticipating these feelings – neither side of the rope seems like a “comfortable” place to stay. Thank you for the great visual. And know that I’ll be contibuing to think of you as you work on your balance 🙂

  2. jan said

    Embrace joy.

  3. Rebekah said

    I can only imagine the balancing act you’re experiencing- it feels like I’m walking the tightrope in general since Levi’s death… I want to be happy but like you said “it feels like the world will forget them if I don’t remind them continually of their existence.” I’m so glad that you’re still doing well enjoying this pregnancy though but if you fall to the right we’ll be your safety net and if you fall to the left we’ll be happy with you- but don’t worry- we’ll still continue to remember.

  4. Carly said

    We won’t forget them 🙂 Ever.

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