Showing Signs of Strain

Very soon after losing the girls, DH mentioned that he would not be getting attached to any other pregnancy before the baby was born.  Although upset by his statement, I could understand it.  In fact, I realized part of my anger was at the fact that I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the same – it just doesn’t work for a woman.  And his ideas of the subject were only reinforced through our pregnancy with Bug. 

Knowing that, when I first found out I was pregnant with Monkey, I set myself up for a bit of a lonely journey, at least through the first trimester.  Although I wish he would join me in talking about the baby, sharing hopes and fears, I know he isn’t at the place where he can right now … he is trying desperately to protect his heart.

That said, we are starting to feel the strain of this pregnancy.  Him – dealing with a sick hormonal wife that he doesn’t connect to any sort of positive result.  Me – sick and hormonal, wanting ridiculous amounts of support he can’t possibly give.

I don’t even know where I am going with all this.  I like to be able to wrap a post up with a nice thought … something that makes me feel satisfied as I walk away.  But unless someone has a fast forward button for us, I just don’t think it will.  Part of me hopes that our appointments this week might begin to change him a bit – maybe knowing if there is a heartbeat will be a first step.  But most of me knows it may not be the case, and that I can’t push him farther or faster than he is willing and able to move.

It’s strange, so often we think that men don’t deal with the loss as deeply as women do.  But I think they really do, they just don’t know how to share it.  Like me, DH has rawness that only holding a child will fix.  While I am able to (or silly enough to) open myself up to hurt before that point, he simply can’t – for him the pain is still too deep.

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3 Comments »

  1. Jamie said

    I know just how you feel. Hubby and I are both torn between just how excited to be. After all, for us a positive pregnancy test doesn’t mean a baby in nine months.

    I want to be excited. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to believe it is really going to happen.

    I decided a long time ago that men are definitely from Mars. It helped me in our IF journey to just know that we will always approach situations from two very different viewpoints. Before too long, your husband won’t help but to share in your excitement.

  2. Carly said

    The boys do it hard don’t they. I cry everytime I read about the dad’s. I am so sorry Heather. Sam was the same, he opened up more after our 16 week scan though 🙂 x

  3. jan said

    Oh I am so sorry he can’t give you the support you need. I know that it is necessary and I hope you can’t find it in others around you. Keep your chin up. Jan

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