I Need an “Off” Switch

If someone could actually invent it, I guarantee that they would be rich and famous.  Like so many others, I am in need of an “off” switch on my brain at nights.

A year and three months out from losing Avery and Sophie, I am getting decent at controlling when and how much time I spend thinking of them during the day.  At almost 9 weeks into this pregnancy, the day is a fight between my willpower to maintain control and a rising sense of panic.  But during the day, I manage to keep things under control.

My nights, well, they have become a different story.  The dead baby and miscarriage dreams have begun in earnest.  At least once a night I wake, knowing I dreamt of my girls – the dream is always vague, but the sense of loss I feel when awake is real.  And at least once a night, I have a vivid dream about miscarrying Monkey.  Each morning I wake wondering if it was real – that’s how vivid they are.  And each morning, I breathe a sign of relief when the toilet paper is clean, not red like in the nights.

Needless to say, I am tired … so very tired.  I have to figure out a way to at least control my nights, although not sure how yet.  Maybe I will try having an extending writing session in my journal before bed – perhaps getting the words out would be helpful.  Any other ideas would be very welcome.



  1. Bluebird said

    I am so sorry sweetie. That sounds miserable. I often journal before bed. It helps to get my feelings out, but it sucks when I cry because then my eyes are swollen in the morning! Seriously, though – there have been nights when I’ve woken from sleep and I got out of bed just to write down what was in my head. Once it was out – I was good.

    The only other thought I had probably isn’t a popular one 🙂 But when I was pregnant I took benedryl from time to time. Doesn’t help with the dreams, but at least it got me to sleep for a while.

    ((Hugs)) sweetie – I hope you can rest tonight.

  2. erika said

    I wish I had some good advice- just take it one step at at time. I still have those awful, horrible dreams…not sure what to do- before this pregnancy, I took Ambien…but of course, now that’s not an option!

  3. mkwewer said

    Acupuncture helped me with the baby dreams. Make sure that your practitioner works on people who are pregnant.

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