I Remember …

…walking into my first prenatal appointment with the twins.  I was brimming with excitement, ready to learn about the process, eager to talk to my midwife.  Didn’t blink having to give blood, after all I was pregnant!  Starting prenatal vitamins was even exciting – strangely enough.  11 weeks later, we lost them.

…walking into my first prenatal appointment with Bug.  Apprehension and hope danced equally in my heart.  Answers were given awkwardly, broaching the twins’ death was still hard.  I went through the motions, feeling a bit like a veteran … hoping, but not expecting that Bug would make it far.  2 weeks later was our D&C.

Today I walked into my first “official” prenatal appointment with Monkey.  I smiled nicely when congratulated, peed in my cup, took my stats and gave my blood.  All the poor nurses didn’t really know how to handle my history, since they all take it.  I feel battle worn, we’ve been here before.  My doctor understands – she gave me a hug and congratulated me on making the “first” step.  Next goal, the second appointment.  After that, a second ultrasound. 

I want to believe this time will be different.  But today, memories of loss dance through my head.



  1. bmarielee said

    That sounds so painfully bittersweet. That’s just another thing we have lost – the ability to be carefree. I’m sorry for the memories. But your doctor sounds wonderful and compassionate; I’m glad you’re in good hands.

  2. She said

    *hugs* I know just what you mean. So much lost… But hopefully so much yet to come, too.

  3. sally said

    wishing you happy endings this time and so much more.

  4. Jamie said

    When I go to appointments, all I can think of is all the bad news from previous appointments. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to get good news.


  5. tntstanifer said

    Uggh! To be back to that place where we were so naive & not so jaded. I’m so sorry that you can’t just enjoy this blessing that you have been given. Do not lose hope!


  6. mkwewer said

    Stay strong and positive, you will get through this and all of us who have been there are pulling for you. We are here when you need us.

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