My Girls, My Heart Cont …

Part II: Our Short Time Together

After finding out about our little stowaway, the next couple days were spent happily sharing our news, crunching numbers, and re-planning out our expectations for the pregnancy.

Friday, November 2, 2007 – we got the first call indicating that everything might not be well.  While getting dinner on the table my midwife called.  After explaining that everything else looked good, she mentioned that the girls’ fluid levels weren’t even.  TTTS was mentioned, but more in a “don’t worry about it, they are both doing well” sort of way.  My midwife mentioned that she set me up with a obstetrician appointment for Monday, just to be sure.  Although I took note, I remember being much more concerned about my steam burn from making veggies than the news.

That weekend, I learned all I could about twin-to-twin-transfusion-syndrome.  What I read troubled me – IF my girls had it, their odds were not good.  Found before 20 weeks, survival rates are exceptionally poor.  It took all my strength, but I tried to push it out of my head … we didn’t know for sure yet, and the midwife had sounded very positive.

Monday’s appointment felt like a dream.  I remember going in, wondering how our lives had changed so quickly.  It was suddenly all so different.  The high-risk OB talked through all the risks of TTTS before checking me over.  We talked about the viability/meaningful existence time line for them.  He found both of the girls’ heartbeats for me.  They were close together, so he moved from one to the other for me repeatedly.  I laid on the table crying at the beautiful sound, I couldn’t believe they were both there.  He didn’t seem too concerned about our risk for TTTS, and set up our next appointment and ultrasound for several weeks away.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew more than he let on – that he may have known the odds were not in our girls’ favour, but that instead of saying anything, he let us enjoy our last remaining time with them.  Maybe not, but from what he said, and did not say, sometimes I wonder.

The next week was wonderful, although the risk was in the back of our minds, I really didn’t think our girls were in danger – not from TTTS anyways.  No one else seemed that concerned, so I tried not to be either.  I made it through work each day, and fell into bed exhausted at the end of each day. 

Friday, November 8th … the date that started the beginning of the end, although we didn’t know it at the time.  I didn’t feel good that day, looking back, I think one of the girls was starting to be in distress.  I had incredible pressure in my abdomen, and felt very off.  I called my midwives, but was assured it was all normal.  If the contracting became painful or regular, or if I started to leak fluid or bleed I was supposed to call, but they weren’t otherwise concerned.  I hung up feeling silly, but still did not feel well. 

The weekend was spent planning for our little ones.  Saturday was the one and only time we got our baby shopping – we started shopping around for cribs, strollers, car seats – everything times 2!  We proudly asked about multiple discounts and tried to figure out how the numbers were going to work.  On Sunday, we went to church.  I remember walking in, proudly displaying a very large belly.  Everyone commented on the girls, my size, our situation – we loved every moment of it.  That night we decided on names.

I never want to forget that weekend.  It was an amazing time … by then, we had started to feel like we finally were starting to “know” our girls.  How were we to know that the weekend would be our last?

The two weeks we had with them were so short, I constantly wish we had known longer, that I had pushed harder, that we had been given even a couple more days.  It wasn’t long enough – but then again, in my head I know that it never would have been enough.  Our little girls were our world.

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2 Comments »

  1. sally said

    Oh. Heather, my broken heart is with you. This is all so cruel and horribly unfair.

  2. Carly said

    Heather,

    I have been here for a little while, I am just catching up now…….. bawling my eyes out. What a story this ….. Going to read the next part now

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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