Standing Outside Myself

I watch her do life, wondering how she continues on like nothing is wrong.  I am amazed at her ability to function so well.

Every day she marches through life, smiling and laughing with those around her.  She gets up in the morning and readies herself for work, plows through meetings, accomplishes projects and hits deadlines.

She visits friends and their babies, cooing gently, bouncing babies the same age Avery and Sophie would have been.  She congratulates them as they proudly talk about their babies rolling over, eating rice cereal, and learning to sit, never mentioning the girls that will never accomplish any of these things.

She sends little cards to friends just annoucing new pregnancies.  Very few people know this week she would have been annoucing hers. 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and she frantically prepares her home for all the family that will be descending upon it this evening.  Nobody knows it is killing her inside to participate in this holiday.  Last year she was thankful for a baby.  Between then and now she lost twins, her husband to job training two provinces away for six months, experienced extreme depression, moved to a new town, and lost Bug … Thanksgiving seems like a raw concept.  But nobody will know.

Meanwhile I watch from afar, wounded and still hurting, wishing I knew how to break out of my shell and be real with others.  It feels as though a stranger is living my life, while I am stuck watching it from the outside.

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2 Comments »

  1. Carly said

    That was one of the most beautiful pieces of writing. I understand you 🙂 My heart is heavy for yours tonight x Sending you lots of love

    Carly x

  2. You’ve expressed it perfectly. We go about our business and even we are surprised to find that that woman is us. Sending hopes for healing days.

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