Time …

… is a funny thing.  One minute it rushes by like water through your fingers, the next it is like a brick wall, imobile and daunting in its solid determination not to shift.

Since November, I have felt as though time has stalled for me.  While the world rushed around me, I was in a box, isolated in a world that refused to move.  I have felt like an outsider, knowing in my head that time must be passing, but feeling as though time was mocking me, refusing to budge, laughing at my desire to have it pass.

Today I felt as though my box broke, and all of a sudden I realized that time had slipped through my fingers.  Standing in line waiting for my morning coffee it hit me.  If we hadn’t lost the girls, Avery and Sophie would be at least five months old.  Such a simple thought, but such a profound result on me. 

Time has passed.  Although I have felt as though it stood still, somehow 10 months passed.  At first I felt panicky at the thought.  Somehow, letting time pass without a fight seemed like giving in, like I wasn’t honouring our girls.  But yet, I know that isn’t true.  They wouldn’t want me to dig my heels in and refuse to acknowledge time’s passing.  They would want me to enjoy each minute, remembering them but knowing I must continue to move on.  And so I will.

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1 Comment »

  1. Carly said

    That was so beautifully written.

    ‘They wouldn’t want me to dig my heels in and refuse to acknowledge time’s passing. They would want me to enjoy each minute, remembering them but knowing I must continue to move on. And so I will.”

    I can’t tell you how good that is too read from you.

    Thinking of you and Bug 🙂

    Love Carly x

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