Darkest Before The Dawn

November through December were hard.  January brought a glimmer of hope.  February through April were the darkest months I have ever experienced.

The only way to explain it is that I felt like I was drowning, with no one to help.  Not only that, but people were watching, commenting on how well I could swim.  Anger boiled inside me, all I wanted to do was yell at them for not seeing my pain.  And yet, I kept it inside.

Finally, one very astute friend realized where I was at and brought me to the doctor.  His diagnosis shoke me to my core, and challenged my belief that I was strong enough to face anything.

Severe Major Depressive Disorder.  I wasn’t ready for that, I didn’t want to admit I couldn’t pull myself out on my own.

However, I was finally at the place where I did, and honestly my anti-depressents were exactly what I needed.  I look back now and can’t believe how much I struggled before finally asking for help.

But now I am being weaned off my meds due to my new pregnancy.  And I am scared.  I am terrified to be back in that place, but torn because I want to do everything possible to keep this baby safe.   

I have built up a small network around me who know of my meds, and know of the plan to go off them.  I only hope that I am strong enough to cry out for help this time if I need it.  And I cross my fingers, hoping that this will all be worth it.  That mid-April will bring a small squalling bundle into our lives that will be worth everything we have been through.

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3 Comments »

  1. Carly said

    Dear Heather,

    I have just found your blog through Glow in the woods.

    I am so sorry that you don’t have your sweet girls with you. I pray that you have found the safe place that you are looking for.

    Your story spoke to my heart and I can understand the way you feel about not being able to see a new born baby in your arms at the end of your pregnancy. I just want you to know that I walked the dark lonely road of the pregnancy after a loss. I now have a beautiful baby sitting on my knee and she is smiling at me. So with all my wishes and hopes I pray that you too will experience such love.

    I will continue to check in on your journey if that is okay with you.

    Much Love Carly x

  2. Carly said

    Heather,

    I can’t imagine what time it is where you are, but I thank you for writing back. I was not expecting a reply so it was a sweet surprise 🙂

    Thank you 🙂

    Love Carly x

  3. Michell said

    I know this feeling so well. I hope that should the need arise in the days to come you will seek out the help you need.

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