Naivete Lost

At only 4.5 weeks pregnant, already this pregnancy is completely different than my first.

We are ecstatic, please don’t misunderstand me … but the naivete is gone.  There aren’t the excited late night talks about our baby’s due date, the blissful ignorance has been removed.  I am not counting down until the end of the first trimester, when our baby will be “safe”, I now know there are no guaruntees.  

Instead, I find myself willing this child to survive, and pleading with it that if it is going to die, to please do it soon.  I don’t think I can handle giving birth to another 20 week old.  I don’t want to tell anyone about this little one, I don’t think I can take telling them another died.

In my heart, I don’t really believe this pregnancy will end in a child.  Last night I woke up with stomach pains.  I found myself immediately assuming the worst – even though logistically, it made sense that the pains were from eating too much pizza the night before.

I plead with Bug every day, asking him/her to be strong, wishing back the naivete I lost back in November.

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