Reflections

Well we survived the move and after 2 weeks without internet (seriously, who know I was that addicted to it?) we are back online.

Today I was catching up on all my blog reading and came across a post at Glow in the Woods titled The One You Can Tell, which speaks about the edited version of your life versus the unedited.  It really spoke to the new place I find myself in now …

When we first found out we were moving due to my husband’s job, I found myself extremely relieved.  I am a very private person and so losing our twins at 20 weeks put me in an incredibly difficult spot.  Everyone knew I was pregnant, there really was no hiding it (especially in light of being very slim to begin with) … so therefore my pain and loss was public.  I couldn’t choose who to share with, everyone – even random people at the library and gym – knew.  Even worse, because of my thin frame, combined with TTTS, I looked much further along that 20 weeks.  After losing Avery and Sophie, many unknowing individuals asked me how my new baby was doing.  The first few months I honestly just hid out in my house, hoping to avoid prying eyes.

All that to say, I was relieved to be moving … to finally have my chance to chose who to tell, to chose the edited or unedited version of me.

Yet now that I am here, in this new space, I am lost.  It is so much easier to stick with the edited story, to answer questions about children with “none”.  But it feels wrong, so very wrong.  I do have two, they just aren’t with me here … and I feel like I abandon them every time I don’t acknowledge their existence.

How do you bring up children you can’t hold?  How do you casually talk about every parent’s worst fear?  How do I share my heart without becoming too vunerable? 

Honestly, I don’t know how …

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1 Comment »

  1. Nicole said

    That is the hard part… I always say yes, i have an angel in heaven i lost at 21weeks…
    Usually, the conversation ends pretty quick..

    I”m so sorry for your losses… I just found your blog thru busted.

    Nicole

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