6 x 6

The new 6 x 6 is up at Glow in the Woods, so I thought I would give this one a try.

1 |   How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?  Before: I felt stronger than fear, as though I could conquer it.  After: I realized strength was a wall I stood behind to hide from fear.  Loss was the weapon that destroyed my fall.  Faith is slowly allowing me to deal with the fear that is now as familiar to me as my own hand.
2 |   Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?  Their memory is never far, but I feel they are slipping away.  I am currently thinking of getting a tattoo of their footprints as an ever present reminder – as their lives have left a permanent mark on me.
3 |   Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.  It is important for me to have people ask about them or mention them, or even acknowledge my pregnancy.  Giving legitimacy to their lives is the biggest thing for me.  Very few people have been strong enough to do this – but I appreciate every one.
4 |   Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.  I have had several people comment “At least it was just a miscarriage, it’s not like they were real” … Yes, people have said this.  Sometimes I have to fight hard not to pull out the picture of my two beatifully formed 20 week old girls that I gave birth to, just to show them how wrong they really are.
5 |   What’s taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?  The last place I went before we lost them was Home Depot … it took me six months to go there again.  I bawled all the way home, although afterwards I found that I had a new strength, knowing I finally did what I had been dreading doing.
6 |   How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?  Before: the strong one, always ready to help, coach, love … never ready to accept any of this from others.  After: broken, weary, but also softer, more dependent (in my case a good thing), more willing to recognize my own weaknesses and look for much needed support.  I also realize much more how amazing my husband truly is – he has been incredible as we have walked this journey.

As a side note, I will be going AWOL for the next few weeks (until mid-July).  We are in the midst of a hellish move and won’t have internet again until mid month.  Not quite sure what I am going to do 🙂

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2 Comments »

  1. tiff said

    Thanks for sharing these painful things.

    I’m so sorry that you have had people say those things to you. Not acknowledging your babies is mean.

  2. Oh, your answer to the fourth question? Made my blood pressure go dangerously up. sigh. But to have a husband like yours, and to recognize your own softness and vulnerability.. a good thing in the wake of such a mess. Thanks for adding your voice, and good luck being unplugged! Maybe it will be a refreshing break… 🙂

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