Taking the Leap

There has been lots of talk recently in the deadbaby blogosphere (where I silently frequent) about pregnancy – both those that are, and those that are dreamed about – Glow in the Woods, Busted BabyMaker, and So Dear and Yet So Far just to name a few.

Among these women I feel as though I have found a home, a place where pregnancy is not all fun and games, where we don’t talk about “when the baby is born” as fact, a place where fear is as real as the intense joy.

As my husband and I have started down the road towards another child, I have realized just how much I have changed.  I desperately want the end product – a baby in my arms – but I am now terrified of the journey.  I no longer get excited about maternity clothes or baby shopping, I can’t image someone asking “when are you due?” again.  I used to think a baby bump meant you were safe, I now know that is never the case.

Sometimes it is nearly enough to stop trying, the thought of being back in a place like November is too horrifying to dwell on.  I can’t imagine having to hold another child in my arms that will not be coming home.

And yet, we continue forward, propelled by our desire, fueled by love, terrified to death.  We have taken the leap, and as much as I sometimes want to, we will not turn back.  And so I turn to this place for comfort, just to hear that I am not alone … there are others on this same strange and frightening journey I am travelling on.

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1 Comment »

  1. Leaping is an act of faith, and it’s tough to make that leap when you’ve been through what you have. I don’t know how we can move through the world after this kind of loss without feeling terrified of everything, convinced disaster is right around the next corner – I don’t want to feel that way for the rest of my life.

    That’s where company helps, for me, to hear voices like yours – to witness others further along, to see that time helps (not ‘heals’, exactly…) and that we can smile again and love again and just throw ourselves out there again.

    Do whatever you can to shut off your doubting brain, and listen to your heart, which is where that love-fuel lives. Easier said than done, I know, but it needs to be said all the same.

    love to you on this brave new journey, and thanks for sharing your voice.

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