Rebuilding Myself

A year ago yesterday, we were given the news that “Bug” was not viable – there would be no April baby to make the month less painful.  It’s hard to believe that we are finally where we are at now … short days away from Monkey’s arrival.

The date added a bit to what I have termed my “survivor’s guilt”.  As someone who has made it through pregnancy loss several times over, I am struggling with my feelings as I reach the end of this pregnancy.  Like others at 39 weeks, I am getting uncomfortable – Monkey has dropped, feeling a little like a bowling ball between my legs, little arms and legs poke me from all sides, and none of my clothes still fit.  I am ready to be done this pregnancy … and for that, I feel guilty.  I know I should just be thankful for every single moment of it, but these days it is a bit tough.

Additionally, I realized that where others at this point of pregnancies begin chanting “there’s a baby at the end … it will be worth it”, I am still having trouble believing that.  In some ways, I think it makes the end of a pregnancy that much tougher.  My head knows the odds are definitely in our favour right now, and I continue to work on that positive thinking … BUT, I still know what can happen.  Monkey is still not a certainty, just a very large, wiggly hope in my belly.

Honestly, Monkey’s birthday can’t come fast enough right now.  I can’t wait to hold this little bundle – I so desperately want the chance to discover his/her personality, look into the eyes I have been dreaming of, smell the top of a misshapen head after birth.  Each day I wake up hoping that maybe today will be the day that Monkey arrives … one of them soon will have to be

I’m back … at least I think.  Lots of thoughts floating around this head.

But before I do, a bit of comic relief. 

That blanket?  It belongs to the dog … normally she is curled up in a pile of blanket and pillow, happily cozy with both.

What’s stopping her?  A six pound ball of fluff.  What can I say?  It made me laugh today, that’s for sure.

Already dealing with a lot of full term jitters, this week’s news of new baby death in the blog-o-sphere shook me to the core.  At 37 1/2 weeks along, I am probably the most nervous I have been since sometime in the late first trimester.

Easiest way to explain it?  If Monkey was a teen, there would be much eye rolling and “Mooooom, I’m fine” statements being thrown out there as I prod my belly regularly just to feel the small jabs back.

Physically, everything is great.  I am still feeling remarkably good, Monkey is head down and fattening up nicely , and at today’s appointment I found out I am Strep B negative (YEAH), and that Monkey has officially dropped (nothing quite as unnerving as the doctor finding a heartbeat in your crotch region!)

Emotionally, I am a bit more fragile.  I will be taking a step back from the computer – and immersing myself a bit more in the world where odds are in your favour, where babies come home healthy, where full-term mamas don’t wonder “What if?”.

Not sure how long I will step back for … possibly until Monkey is born.  Don’t worry, you will definitely hear that news once it happens … but I may be quiet until then.   We will see.  In the meantime, I will be doing what I need to do to get to that point.

My latest indulgence?  Reading pregnancy message boards where the biggest concerns are not getting pretty things at showers, and being in trouble with a doctor for eating cake. 

They read like a soap opera.  Normally enough to send my blood pressure sky-rocketing I am finding them slightly addictive right now.

My thought on it?  Reading about people who worry about the smallest, most unnecessary details of pregnancy reminds me that plenty of people have healthy pregnancies and give birth to healthy babies every day.  There is a whole group of people out there who are on the right sides of the odds … and probably don’t even realize how much so.

Apparently soap opera message boards are my stress relief as we round the final corner to Monkey’s due date

36 weeks along … meaning we can deliver here in town

DH will be arriving home anytime now from his last trip away … no more holding my breath

Last ultrasound revealed Monkey is heads down and weighing over 6 pounds … s/he’s ready to go

No one would be panicked if I went into labour today, no one would try to stop it.  We no longer have to fight to keep Monkey in and safe.  New, uncharted territory.  Unknown ground, but such a relief.

While setting up an appointment yesterday, I was shocked to find myself writing down a September date.  I can’t believe it is almost here.  September … Monkey’s month … the Fall.

The fall of 2007 was an exciting one.  Finally feeling better, we had just announced our pregnancy to the world.  We were on top of the world, right up until November 12th.  Losing Avery and Sophie rocked our world completely … I didn’t think Fall would ever be the same.

Fall of 2008.  Again just about out of a new first trimester.  Heading in for a 9 week ultrasound on September 12, we were skeptically hopeful for good news.  A new pregnancy was just what we needed before heading into the month before the first anniversary of the twins’ birth.  The ultrasound was devastating.  No heart beat, no little life to nurture and love.  One week later and nothing was left of the pregnancy but crushed hope.  Fall 2008 was dark.

I think justifiably so, the thought of turning the calendar to September causes me a bit of anxiety … two falls in a row have started out so hopeful, only to have the hope taken away. 

I find myself praying with everything in me that this is the year – 2009 – that we finally get to redeem the Fall.

These days the comment “You must be so excited” is almost as common as comments on my ever-expanding girth.  While I always answer with the expected “Of course” – I find myself guiltily realizing it isn’t entirely true.  Not that I don’t want it to be … the thought of actually holding a baby in my arms is thrilling.

It’s just that it doesn’t feel real yet.  We still talk about the baby in the “one day” sense of the world.  The other night DH and I realized we have talked through pretty much no logistics for when this baby comes home … other than to submit for our leaves from work. It just still doesn’t feel like we are 5-7 weeks away from it being our reality.

The nursery is near complete, but like everything else, it feels surreal.  I am embarrassed to show it off – I still think that people will wonder why on earth we have a completed nursery in our house.  To me, it is the Room Where The Baby Should Go … it feels like we are preparing for that elusive one day.

Somehow I suspect that on Monkey’s birthday, as we hold this baby in our arms, that DH and I will look at each other not only with joy and awe, but also with a good deal of shock.  Walking out of the hospital with a live baby is something neither of us can yet fathom.

It’s hard to believe that there are only 42 days left until Monkey’s due date.

On one hand, I find myself anxiously counting down … wanting desperately for the care of this little one to be something others are a part of.  Since the twins, I never have really trusted my body to do it’s job.

On the other hand, I can’t believe that we are only 6 weeks away.  It felt strange to be at a pre-natal class … despite the fact that we are cutting it ridiculously close (finishing only 1/2 week before our due date).

It is bizarre to think that there may actually be a small, wiggly bundle of baby at the end of this journey.  It still seems like something will take that away … it is still so hard to believe that truly, this time this journey may end with joy.

… to the pregnant lady you saw in WalMart this evening.

5) Wow, how are you still managing … your belly is huge!  <Awkward pause as I stare> … Umm … really beautiful, but just big.  You know … <trails off and walks away>

4) This must be your first.  You just have that innocent, naive look to you. (inner thoughts were running wild on this one … I managed to contain them all)

3) Oh honey … you must be so hot.  At least your due date is coming soon. <awkward moment> … Right?  Ummm … maybe not.  Myself: 7 1/2 weeks to go.  Lady: Wow. <walks away>

2) When I mention my September 21st due date, “That’s awful!!! You have to still make it through the whole summer.  I am so sorry … I remember being pregnant through the summer, it was the WORST THING EVER.”  (Really lady? The worst thing ever?  I doubt it … and as a note, I can’t change my due date now, kind of in it for the long haul … maybe support would have been a better option)

And the number #1 choice from the evening …

1) When are you due? <I mention September 21st>  Oh my, that’s amazing … I would have guessed in a couple weeks by the size of your stomach.  Almost 8 weeks?  Are they sure?  Is it twins?  I just can’t believe how big your belly is. <awkward pause>  But it is lovely … and you are so thin, thin people always look bigger pregnant.

No lie, all those comments were tonight.  While part of me wanted to go crazy Ninja on them all, I just smiled and allowed myself to ponder the blog post I would write.  Really, much more productive that way

After towelling myself dry, I leaned down to pull out my lotion.  Discovering my favorite one empty, I reached back just a little further … pulling out the first one I could grab.  Because honestly, this pregnant body wasn’t going to reach the back of the cabinet.

Looking at what I grabbed, I was taken back in time.  It was the lotion that I used while pregnant with the girls.  I loved it.  After losing them, I put it away … and really haven’t pulled it out since.  Without too much though, I decided I would use it anyways. 

Honestly, the memories surprised me in their intensity.  The smell took me back in a way nothing else can these days … memories of our ultrasound, of my last trip with them in my belly, memories of the day they died.

As most memories of the girls are, these were bittersweet.  Wonderful to remember them, still so hard to know they could have been here.  I left the lotion on for the day, but that evening wrapped up the bottle and put it in their memory box.  It makes me feel better to know that whenever they feel far away, a simple smell can bring it all back …