Two years ago we held our little girls for the first and last time.  Today, we remember their short lives. 

Still missing you my dear sweet baby girls.

It’s interesting.  Since Kai’s birth, I have spent more time thinking about the girls than I probably did the entire pregnancy.  Every milestone he reaches I wonder about Avery and Sophie – would their smiles have looked the same?  Would they have lifted their heads from birth like their brother?  Fought sleep as hard as him?  Had the same sweet coos?  Or would they have been completely different?

I look at him, and wonder at what could have been with them.  I see toddlers that had the same due date – it’s crazy to imagine that they would have been nearly two.  Kai gives me the tangible reality of what might have happened with Avery and Sophie … it’s something that is more sweet than bitter, but something that is unique none-the-less.

And yet, at the same time, it is impossible not to mention the incredible healing that has occurred with Kai’s birth.  He has given us back our lost parenthood.  As I smell the sweet baby smell, and feel his comfortable weight in my arms, there is a healing in my heart.

As November 12th approaches, it is much different than last year.  On one hand, I am realizing more poignantly what we lost out on with the girls, but on the other – and much heavier weighing hand – the wounds are not as raw, the pain not as intense.  I hold the girls’ little brother this year … and that is a precious, precious gift.

13 days …

That’s what we had with our girls.  Although nearly 20 weeks along when we lost them, it was only at our 18 week ultrasound that we found out we were having twins.

October 31, 2007 – the day we found out we had two

And so, in the midst of the joy of a newborn, we find ourselves in a period of remembering.  Each day brings up memories of what that day held two years ago.  Each was a whirlwind as we found out about the twins, about their shared cord, the possibility of TTTS and additional risk factors, and began eagerly and excitedly planning for life with two.

As I hold my son, I remember his sisters … these 13 days a reminder of their short lives.  Still missing you my sweet baby girls.

A few pictures to go with the last post

Chubby Monkey at 1 Month Old

Showing Off A New Talent - Smiling

Dear Kai,

Well little man, it’s hard to believe but as of yesterday, you have been here for one whole month. It seems like just yesterday that I was waddling around with you still kicking away inside my belly. That said, I can’t imagine life without you – you truly are a delightful little boy.

As much as I didn’t think we would, your dad and I still call you Monkey … or any number of variations. Soon we will have to start using your name, lest you go to kindergarten introducing yourself as “Monkesaurus Rex”. That wouldn’t do!

In the past month you have accomplished a lot. You have moved from feeding mostly every 2 hours to every 3 (a vast improvement in mommy’s books), you lift your head regularly, follow objects for short periods of time, and the best one … you have started to smile. Even exhausted in the wee hours of the morning, your smiles completely melt me.

Your favorite activity by far is still eating, evidenced by the outstanding cheeks and double chin you are now sporting. It won’t be long before we start packing away all your newborn outfits and moving you from your basket to your crib.

Your dad and I continue to be amazed at what we have been given in you. I know I stare in wonder at your little body while you sleep … I am so thankful for you.  Each day really is a gift … even on the days where the gift is wrapped in spit up, poopy diapers, and ear-splitting screams.

Happy One Month Birthday little man.

Love your mom.

Walking into our local coffee shop yesterday, I ended up in a conversation with the woman behind the counter.  She was excited to hear about Kai’s birth and remarked on the fact that I “didn’t even look like I had been pregnant”.  She followed up with “but I guess that happens with your first.”

I walked away pondering her statements.  First and foremost, I wanted to mention that no, he isn’t my first.  But I didn’t.  It wouldn’t have fit, and it was besides the point.  But it still stung a little.  As much as I am thrilled with my son, he has two sisters who aren’t here.  And with November just around the corner, they are heavy on my heart. 

On the other hand, there was a part of me that was proud … three children in and my body is still bouncing back.  How different that feeling was than two years ago, when I hated my body for betraying me by looking the “same as before” within weeks.

I find it strange to balance so much joy with the remnants of the pain of loss.  Please don’t misunderstand, we are loving having Kai here … enjoying all the moments, it is just different from what I thought bringing home a baby would be.

This past weekend was Thanksgiving here in Canada.  As I reflected over the weekend, it was impossible not to think back to a year ago.  Thanksgiving 2008 was a tough one for us.  Still recovering from my D&C from our second loss, DH and I were reeling over what should have been our first Thanksgiving with Avery and Sophie.  Although I knew there was still much to be thankful for, the holiday was difficult to make it through.

This year I found myself staring into the most beautiful brown eyes, heart filled with gratefulness over the gift we have been given in Kai.  But even still, the “what could have been’s” sneak in.  I hear the whispers in the back of my mind – “Would they have looked like him?”, “Would either have been as mellow as my baby boy?”

They are questions that will never have answers, but ones that will never be completely quieted none the less.  So instead, I ponder them while kissing Kai’s soft little head, missing the two that aren’t here, but so thankful for the one who is.

And so incredibly in love.  Kai, you were so worth everything we had to go through to get to you …

We are still definitely in recovery mode over here.  Lots of thoughts to share once I can sit at the computer for any length of time.  In the meantime, a few pictures of the one stealing all my time will have to do …

The best way to describe it?  A marathon with a sprint finish.

After days of fairly steady contractions that weren’t going anywhere, I woke up at 4:00 Thursday morning sensing something different.  The contractions, although no closer together than 7-8 minutes, had changed … definitely more intense.

The decision to go to the hospital just before noon was honestly a surprisingly difficult time for me.  I didn’t expect it so soon, but thoughts of the twins rushed in with the thought of the hospital.  Regardless, it quickly became apparent that we needed to go.

Checking in, we were surprised to learn I was dilated to 4 … a nice surprise I must say.  The day was a long one, but with the help of our Doula (absolutely amazing) we made it through fairly well.

By 10 pm I was a 9 1/2 … and still making it with just the gas.  By that point I was exhausted.  I remember vaguely being told at about 10:10 that it wouldn’t be long before I would be ready to push.  Anticipating a long time pushing, I was pretty disappointed.

Shortly thereafter (i.e. before 10:15) I felt this incredible urge and all I heard was “Oh my goodness, it’s the head, get the doctor now”.  Apparently Kai was done waiting   At 10:30pm, our beautiful baby boy made his arrival … no one could slow him down.  And as a note, he lived up to his “Monkey” name.  He insisted upon kicking the entire labour, no one there could believe how active he remained the whole time.

DH and I were both in awe of the little guy.  While others were oohing and aahing over the hair, big shoulders, and all his “boyness” we were just amazed that he was here, alive and healthy.

We are all doing well, Kai especially.  He is loving eating and sleeping and me, well I am enjoying him immensely and working at healing.  Apparently mommy suffered much more damage than him with his exit!

More pictures and thoughts will soon follow, I promise.  For now though, we are just eating up every minute we have with this little Monkey of ours.

Name: Kai Benjamin

Date: Thursday, September 24th at 10:30 pm

Weight: 8 pounds 6 ounces

Length: 21 inches long(53 cm)

More details and pictures to follow(this is Heather’s Mom posting…mommy and monkey are sleeping…shhhhh)