Rebuilding Myself

So yesterday’s appointment was a bit of a disappointment.  My regular doctor was not in (off getting married – the nerve ) so I got her stand in.  Not bad, but as you all know, not the same as having the one who gets my neurotic idiosyncrasies and works through each with me as if they are 100% valid concerns.

We did get to hear Monkey’s heart, but due to the fact that we have an extremely active baby in there, it took awhile.  Deep breaths were barely controlling me as we waiting.  Even once we got it, the baby kept moving so it was fairly faint.  Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but the doctor assured me it was totally normal, so I will have faith.

Finally, we got our scan scheduled for next week, but found out that in our small town they won’t request sex determination.  Now I know this really isn’t a huge deal - having a baby, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl is really all we care about.  But I would really like to know before hand.  I guess we are now hoping for some sort of extremely obvious shot that nobody can miss!

And to today.  Today is the day, 1 1/2 years ago, that we lost the girls.  The exact date in the pregnancy that was our last.  It is strange to think I know what Monkey looks like right now – I held his/her older sisters on this date in their pregnancy.  While I am extremely glad that we will be moving past this date with Monkey (God willing!), it is still hard to fathom.  Although they will always be Monkey’s big sisters – Avery and Sophie will never be older than Monkey is right now.  Definitely mulling today.

Monkey at 19 weeks

 1) The picture on the left – Monkey is definitely making his/her presence known these days, enough so that I am now obviously pregnant.  I still find it a bit strange when people ask about the pregnancy straight out, but it is nice to be getting to that stage.

2) Monkey obviously likes my mid-morning snack food (yes, we are working on weight gain over here – back to pre-pregnancy weight now, yeah!).  S/he is kicking madly away right now – I love that feeling.  I never did feel the girls a ton, so feeling Monkey is reassuring.

3) I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow – meaning I will get to hear the heartbeat and we will have our 20 week scan scheduled … where we will hopefully be able to stop referring to Monkey as a he/she

4) The sun is shining and it is FINALLY warm enough to sit on my deck and enjoy it.

I can’t complain – today is a good day indeed.

I am in a very strange head-space right now.  Thoughts rip around in my head, bouncing around, regardless of how many other thoughts exist at the moment.

On one hand, I find myself beginning to attach to Monkey is a very real and exciting way.  The kicks are becoming consistent – I am beginning to be able to tell the difference between just a movement and a good kick.  My tummy has popped out enough that people don’t hesitate to ask me about my pregnancy … their enthusiasm can be contagious.  I have even braved the world of etsy, requesting a quilt to be put on hold, just in case (although I am not yet brave enough to actually purchase it!)

But on the other, in the past couple weeks, the anxiety has been creeping back in, slowly but surely, catching me off guard when I think I have finally got it beat.  Weeks 17 to 20 were when all our real memories were made of the girls.  Honestly, before that time I had been too sick to really even think about enjoying the pregnancy.  Each day I think about what our pregnancy with the girls was like at this point – the similarities and the differences.

And while it can bring joy, it also brings it’s share of fear.  I feel as though the clock is ticking … and that any day now the bomb will be dropped and Monkey will be no more.  It is difficult to fathom that Monkey may just make it farther than Avery and Sophie.

Right now the daily mind battle is huge.  Each little tweak, pain, or discomfort sends twinges of anxiety through me.  I wonder if each might be the beginning of the end.  I think it is make worse by the fact that with the girls I didn’t even realize I was in labour until my water broke and it was much too late.

I keep working on reminding myself of all the stats that are in Monkey’s favour, keep remembering the little person from the ultrasounds, and try to keep things in perspective.  There is very little I can do regardless of the outcome – I keep trying to focus on the here and now. 

But at the moment it is difficult … hence the blogland silence.  I feel like I have nothing to say, for myself or for others.  Just trying to keep my head in check.

Dear Monkey,

Today I am 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant with you.  For anyone else, I am sure this seems very insignificant.  But for me, it ties you to your sisters in a very real and tangible way.  Why?  Because just over a year and a half ago – at 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant we were in for our first, and only, ultrasound with the girls.  It was there we discovered our stowaway – the reason for my huge belly .   Watching that screen made it all so much more real … two little bodies wriggling around, limbs flailing and kicking, two little hearts beating. 

Thinking of the past causes me to pause today.  I have touched my belly a bit more, waited intentionally to feel you kick, and talked to you more than usual.  Because today you feel more “real”.  I remember how real your sisters were to us at this point, and I know you are the same.  A wonderful, squirmy little person just waiting to be let out.  It is both wonderful and terrifying.

Counting down the days until we meet you … just don’t make it anytime soon. 

Love your mom.

Well, we made it back.  The time away was wonderful – lots of sun, sand, and time relaxing together by ourselves and with friends.  And although I did spend some time thinking about the girls on their due date, I was able to keep the “could have beens” at bay – and just enjoy it for what it was.

Enjoying the Beach

Our View at the Pool (and no, those aren't my hairy toes)

Relaxing with Friends

We came back ready to again face life.  Unfortunately, we had a bit of a scare with Monkey when we returned and I ended up in emerg.  While I felt really silly being there, I knew that I wouldn’t want to regret not checking it out.  Three stressful hours later, we were able to see Monkey, happily squirming around, kicking madly every time the ultrasound wand came near.  Apparently we have a fighter in there!

So we are now home – back and work and now counting days until Monkey hits 24 weeks … our next item to “look forward to” this summer.

Not because anything is wrong, but because everything is right! DH and I leave tomorrow for a wonderful time away in Mexico. It has been three years since we last took a vacation, and with the snow that keeps stubbornly deciding to fall … we are more than ready to see the sun.

I can’t wait!  And will be back in two weeks with wonderful pictures of us all tanned and relaxed (or maybe lobster-red and relaxed, we will have to see )