Rebuilding Myself

Well, little man.  It’s hard to believe but you are already 2 months old.  We went to get your first shots today … it was a reminder of how quickly time is moving with you.  You did so well though – just a few minutes of screaming before you just cuddled into my arms.  The nurse was the victim of a very serious furrowed brow though!

Physically, you continue to be a big boy.  People often comment on what you aren’t doing yet … thinking you are 3 or 4 months old.  At 14 pounds and holding your head up all the time, it is an easy mistake to make.

We continue to get glimpses of your personality, it seems you will have a big one.  You know what you want and when you want it, and definitely aren’t afraid to let us know!  That said, you are still an easy-going baby, as most of your wants are for food and cuddles.  And your smile – it really can light up a room.  Daddy and I work hard to get as many as possible.  Even in the middle of the night they make me a little less grumpy.  You seem to know that I need them when I am up at 3:00am.

Eating is still your favorite activity, although being rolled from front to back repeatedly is a close second.  You are beginning to engage with toys which is fun for us – only So.phie the giraffe and your little zebra are interesting to you right now though.  You are trying desperately to talk these days, cooing most of your awake time.  And this month we took a big step – you are sleeping in your own room!

All that said, I won’t sugar-coat it … there have been difficult times this month too.  Trying to figure out what you are telling us is sometimes a challenge, with only a cry for communication, it can be tough.  We think we are starting to figure it out though, and all of us are happier for it!  I am often overwhelmed as I watch you sleep, sensing the enormity of the task we have taken on.  We want to raise you to be an amazing man – it is a huge task.

I love you so much Monks … even on the most frustrating days I look at you in awe.  I can’t get enough of kissing your little head.  I know that all too soon you will shy away from my smooches.

Happy Birthday Kai, we feel so privileged to have spent this last two months with you.

Love your mom.

13 pounds of kissable, squishable goodness.  That’s right … 13 pounds, 8 weeks old.  My little sumo wrestler

Last Thursday was hard … it is tough to imagine what could have been with the girls.  Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, and support.

But that said, I have so much to be thankful for.  And truly, I find myself content.  These two bring me such joy.

Okay, and the furry one in this one isn’t so bad either

Two years ago we held our little girls for the first and last time.  Today, we remember their short lives. 

Still missing you my dear sweet baby girls.

It’s interesting.  Since Kai’s birth, I have spent more time thinking about the girls than I probably did the entire pregnancy.  Every milestone he reaches I wonder about Avery and Sophie – would their smiles have looked the same?  Would they have lifted their heads from birth like their brother?  Fought sleep as hard as him?  Had the same sweet coos?  Or would they have been completely different?

I look at him, and wonder at what could have been with them.  I see toddlers that had the same due date – it’s crazy to imagine that they would have been nearly two.  Kai gives me the tangible reality of what might have happened with Avery and Sophie … it’s something that is more sweet than bitter, but something that is unique none-the-less.

And yet, at the same time, it is impossible not to mention the incredible healing that has occurred with Kai’s birth.  He has given us back our lost parenthood.  As I smell the sweet baby smell, and feel his comfortable weight in my arms, there is a healing in my heart.

As November 12th approaches, it is much different than last year.  On one hand, I am realizing more poignantly what we lost out on with the girls, but on the other – and much heavier weighing hand – the wounds are not as raw, the pain not as intense.  I hold the girls’ little brother this year … and that is a precious, precious gift.

13 days …

That’s what we had with our girls.  Although nearly 20 weeks along when we lost them, it was only at our 18 week ultrasound that we found out we were having twins.

October 31, 2007 – the day we found out we had two

And so, in the midst of the joy of a newborn, we find ourselves in a period of remembering.  Each day brings up memories of what that day held two years ago.  Each was a whirlwind as we found out about the twins, about their shared cord, the possibility of TTTS and additional risk factors, and began eagerly and excitedly planning for life with two.

As I hold my son, I remember his sisters … these 13 days a reminder of their short lives.  Still missing you my sweet baby girls.

A few pictures to go with the last post

Chubby Monkey at 1 Month Old

Showing Off A New Talent - Smiling

Dear Kai,

Well little man, it’s hard to believe but as of yesterday, you have been here for one whole month. It seems like just yesterday that I was waddling around with you still kicking away inside my belly. That said, I can’t imagine life without you – you truly are a delightful little boy.

As much as I didn’t think we would, your dad and I still call you Monkey … or any number of variations. Soon we will have to start using your name, lest you go to kindergarten introducing yourself as “Monkesaurus Rex”. That wouldn’t do!

In the past month you have accomplished a lot. You have moved from feeding mostly every 2 hours to every 3 (a vast improvement in mommy’s books), you lift your head regularly, follow objects for short periods of time, and the best one … you have started to smile. Even exhausted in the wee hours of the morning, your smiles completely melt me.

Your favorite activity by far is still eating, evidenced by the outstanding cheeks and double chin you are now sporting. It won’t be long before we start packing away all your newborn outfits and moving you from your basket to your crib.

Your dad and I continue to be amazed at what we have been given in you. I know I stare in wonder at your little body while you sleep … I am so thankful for you.  Each day really is a gift … even on the days where the gift is wrapped in spit up, poopy diapers, and ear-splitting screams.

Happy One Month Birthday little man.

Love your mom.

Walking into our local coffee shop yesterday, I ended up in a conversation with the woman behind the counter.  She was excited to hear about Kai’s birth and remarked on the fact that I “didn’t even look like I had been pregnant”.  She followed up with “but I guess that happens with your first.”

I walked away pondering her statements.  First and foremost, I wanted to mention that no, he isn’t my first.  But I didn’t.  It wouldn’t have fit, and it was besides the point.  But it still stung a little.  As much as I am thrilled with my son, he has two sisters who aren’t here.  And with November just around the corner, they are heavy on my heart. 

On the other hand, there was a part of me that was proud … three children in and my body is still bouncing back.  How different that feeling was than two years ago, when I hated my body for betraying me by looking the “same as before” within weeks.

I find it strange to balance so much joy with the remnants of the pain of loss.  Please don’t misunderstand, we are loving having Kai here … enjoying all the moments, it is just different from what I thought bringing home a baby would be.

This past weekend was Thanksgiving here in Canada.  As I reflected over the weekend, it was impossible not to think back to a year ago.  Thanksgiving 2008 was a tough one for us.  Still recovering from my D&C from our second loss, DH and I were reeling over what should have been our first Thanksgiving with Avery and Sophie.  Although I knew there was still much to be thankful for, the holiday was difficult to make it through.

This year I found myself staring into the most beautiful brown eyes, heart filled with gratefulness over the gift we have been given in Kai.  But even still, the “what could have been’s” sneak in.  I hear the whispers in the back of my mind – “Would they have looked like him?”, “Would either have been as mellow as my baby boy?”

They are questions that will never have answers, but ones that will never be completely quieted none the less.  So instead, I ponder them while kissing Kai’s soft little head, missing the two that aren’t here, but so thankful for the one who is.